Sunday, August 31, 2003
of happily-ever-afters & unhappy-forever-afters
two friends of mine got married today, at the ripe old age of 24.
ive known them since we were all 16, right when they first started dating. i remember the first time i saw them together...at that still-shy stage where when one whispered a sweet nothing, the other would blush and lower her eyelashes demurely. it was a first relationship for both, and they dated all the way until two years ago, when it became obvious they were heading towards marriage. her father sensed this, and sadly, disapproved. the boy was not educated enough, or serious enough to get married, her father told her. neither did he have a well-paying job, a house or a car. the boy was no good for her...and had to go.
so she had no choice but to let him go. she found a job in bank, and began dating a bank officer her father approved of. the boy, on the other hand, drifted around aimlessly for almost a year, not knowing what to do, with himself or with her. he dated a bit, but felt he couldnt live without her.
and so...he gave up the weed, cut the hair, bought himself a suit and started all over again. his quest? to win her back, win over her dad, and eventually win her hand in marriage.
in one year, my friend worked two jobs, bought a music studio, a car and some self-worth.
in january, he approached her father and asked again for his sweetheart's hand.
in february, her father agreed, the bank officer got booted out (to her relief), and the wedding was on.
it is my wish, that in 50 years, i can look upon the both of them and call it happily-ever-after.
id call it happily-ever-after now, for it is a true love story worth telling and re-telling to children and grandchildren a hundred times over.
but then i sigh and remember, marriage is not where the true love story ends, but where it begins.
i remember a story i heard, about a man who thanked his lucky stars that he didnt get caught.
caught, i asked. by whom? why, his wife, i was told.
this man had been on the way home from work one evening, and stopped for a hitch-hiker. the lady was heading, it seemed, the same way he was. after polite conversation, the small talk led to dirty talk, and her hands on his privates. the story continues, apparently, in the backseat of the car, in a dark alleyway.
but it doesnt end there, although i wish it had.
of course, the wife had to call.
where are you, she asked. oh, im heading home. little did his wife know, he was heading home alright. a hitch-hiker home-run.
the next day, this man wakes up to take his kids (yes, kids) to school. the wife, on strapping her kids into the back seat, asks, hubby...why are there so many tissues in here?
hubby squirms, and does the fastest clean-up job in history.
they are, it seems, still happily married. or at least, he's still happily cheating on her, and she's happily ignorant about all his extra-curricular activities.
so....is there such a thing as happily-ever-after?
i cant tell you...coz im sure as hell too chicken-shit to find out.
ive known them since we were all 16, right when they first started dating. i remember the first time i saw them together...at that still-shy stage where when one whispered a sweet nothing, the other would blush and lower her eyelashes demurely. it was a first relationship for both, and they dated all the way until two years ago, when it became obvious they were heading towards marriage. her father sensed this, and sadly, disapproved. the boy was not educated enough, or serious enough to get married, her father told her. neither did he have a well-paying job, a house or a car. the boy was no good for her...and had to go.
so she had no choice but to let him go. she found a job in bank, and began dating a bank officer her father approved of. the boy, on the other hand, drifted around aimlessly for almost a year, not knowing what to do, with himself or with her. he dated a bit, but felt he couldnt live without her.
and so...he gave up the weed, cut the hair, bought himself a suit and started all over again. his quest? to win her back, win over her dad, and eventually win her hand in marriage.
in one year, my friend worked two jobs, bought a music studio, a car and some self-worth.
in january, he approached her father and asked again for his sweetheart's hand.
in february, her father agreed, the bank officer got booted out (to her relief), and the wedding was on.
it is my wish, that in 50 years, i can look upon the both of them and call it happily-ever-after.
id call it happily-ever-after now, for it is a true love story worth telling and re-telling to children and grandchildren a hundred times over.
but then i sigh and remember, marriage is not where the true love story ends, but where it begins.
i remember a story i heard, about a man who thanked his lucky stars that he didnt get caught.
caught, i asked. by whom? why, his wife, i was told.
this man had been on the way home from work one evening, and stopped for a hitch-hiker. the lady was heading, it seemed, the same way he was. after polite conversation, the small talk led to dirty talk, and her hands on his privates. the story continues, apparently, in the backseat of the car, in a dark alleyway.
but it doesnt end there, although i wish it had.
of course, the wife had to call.
where are you, she asked. oh, im heading home. little did his wife know, he was heading home alright. a hitch-hiker home-run.
the next day, this man wakes up to take his kids (yes, kids) to school. the wife, on strapping her kids into the back seat, asks, hubby...why are there so many tissues in here?
hubby squirms, and does the fastest clean-up job in history.
they are, it seems, still happily married. or at least, he's still happily cheating on her, and she's happily ignorant about all his extra-curricular activities.
so....is there such a thing as happily-ever-after?
i cant tell you...coz im sure as hell too chicken-shit to find out.
Saturday, August 30, 2003
this is me
check out the link to ravephotography.com...for some of the best rave photos ever taken.
have a browse, if not for the images of thousands of people united in dance, then simply for great pics of how loony aussie ravers can be.
and while youre there...
seeing how impossible it is to link photos to blogs (or rather that im just way too hopeless to figure it out), i shall try a rather ingenious way (or so methinks) to link you to pics of some rare personal moments of joy and abandon.
in links, see ravephotography.com
*click*
in ravephotography.com "archives", see, among others...
"gatecrasher" picture #9
"elektrick 3" picture #5
see also, the link for perthseen.net
*click*
in "photos", go to "photos from 2001"
"digital01" picture #024
"sonik01" picture #0026
in "photos", go to "photos from 2002"
"two tribes" picture #009
to jo, shai and drena...i miss those days. love you all to bits. really.
have a browse, if not for the images of thousands of people united in dance, then simply for great pics of how loony aussie ravers can be.
and while youre there...
seeing how impossible it is to link photos to blogs (or rather that im just way too hopeless to figure it out), i shall try a rather ingenious way (or so methinks) to link you to pics of some rare personal moments of joy and abandon.
in links, see ravephotography.com
*click*
in ravephotography.com "archives", see, among others...
"gatecrasher" picture #9
"elektrick 3" picture #5
see also, the link for perthseen.net
*click*
in "photos", go to "photos from 2001"
"digital01" picture #024
"sonik01" picture #0026
in "photos", go to "photos from 2002"
"two tribes" picture #009
to jo, shai and drena...i miss those days. love you all to bits. really.
a room with no doors and no windows
i discovered last night that my life has, many times in the past, been like a room with no door and no windows. in that room, everything becomes meaningless, because you can do nothing to get out, and you cannot, for the life of you, let anyone in...simply because you do not know how.
in those moments when life began to diminish in meaning and importance, when my sense of self-worth was at its lowest possible ebb...that room became a prison for me, and i was *that* close to doing anything, ANYTHING, to get out, even if it meant being gone...just gone.
in the time since then, since being so low that i felt unworthy even just to be alive, i thank God a door appeared for me when i needed it most. its not that i didnt already have people who cared for me. and its not that there was no one worthy enough to stay around for. i dont even know what it was i lacked, that made my situation seem so hopeless.
but it seems to me now, that when i needed that door the most, at the very last possible second, i suddenly saw it was there, and had been all the time. i had just never seen it, or looked for it hard enough. all the time i had been sitting in that room in the dark, suffocating and ready to give up...when it had been there all along.
i know now that no problem is ever as hopeless, and life never as worthless, as i make it out to be. i held on to life in that little room just long enough to suddenly realise...there really is NO SUCH THING as a room with no door and no windows. it simply isnt possible, simply because it must have had a door if you got yourself in there in the first place. and all you have to do is just look, and look HARD, for the way in which you first came in.
no situation is without a solution. if you tie yourself into a knot, there will always be a way to undo it. if you try hard enough. for me to have gone so low that i no longer knew self-worth, i must have come from a position in which i once knew my worth. for me to regain that, i just had to look inside and rediscover what it was that made me once feel worthy. i had to look at myself hard and remember why i had lost it. i had to remember that nothing, and no one, can take your worth away from you. if they do, then they do not appreciate you and are not deserving of a place in your life.
i should have realised this on my own. but i didnt. it was another who helped me rediscover my worth. more than once, i tried to push him away. i felt myself unworthy of his appreciation and his love. and i almost lost him. i look back on my former self-imposed exile in that room, and realise that it was him who knocked down the supposedly non-existent door.
im never going back to that room...because he has helped me remember that regardless of the storms outside, nothing is worth running back to hide in there.
and even if he cant stay...for whatever reason...he will always be remembered as the one who brought me back from the brink...and back to life.
you know who you are...and i thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
in those moments when life began to diminish in meaning and importance, when my sense of self-worth was at its lowest possible ebb...that room became a prison for me, and i was *that* close to doing anything, ANYTHING, to get out, even if it meant being gone...just gone.
in the time since then, since being so low that i felt unworthy even just to be alive, i thank God a door appeared for me when i needed it most. its not that i didnt already have people who cared for me. and its not that there was no one worthy enough to stay around for. i dont even know what it was i lacked, that made my situation seem so hopeless.
but it seems to me now, that when i needed that door the most, at the very last possible second, i suddenly saw it was there, and had been all the time. i had just never seen it, or looked for it hard enough. all the time i had been sitting in that room in the dark, suffocating and ready to give up...when it had been there all along.
i know now that no problem is ever as hopeless, and life never as worthless, as i make it out to be. i held on to life in that little room just long enough to suddenly realise...there really is NO SUCH THING as a room with no door and no windows. it simply isnt possible, simply because it must have had a door if you got yourself in there in the first place. and all you have to do is just look, and look HARD, for the way in which you first came in.
no situation is without a solution. if you tie yourself into a knot, there will always be a way to undo it. if you try hard enough. for me to have gone so low that i no longer knew self-worth, i must have come from a position in which i once knew my worth. for me to regain that, i just had to look inside and rediscover what it was that made me once feel worthy. i had to look at myself hard and remember why i had lost it. i had to remember that nothing, and no one, can take your worth away from you. if they do, then they do not appreciate you and are not deserving of a place in your life.
i should have realised this on my own. but i didnt. it was another who helped me rediscover my worth. more than once, i tried to push him away. i felt myself unworthy of his appreciation and his love. and i almost lost him. i look back on my former self-imposed exile in that room, and realise that it was him who knocked down the supposedly non-existent door.
im never going back to that room...because he has helped me remember that regardless of the storms outside, nothing is worth running back to hide in there.
and even if he cant stay...for whatever reason...he will always be remembered as the one who brought me back from the brink...and back to life.
you know who you are...and i thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Thursday, August 28, 2003
i am an idealist
so sue me, im an idealist. i have faith in true love, in fair government, in human decency.
i used to have faith in marriage, in long-distance relationships and in being liked by people just for being me.
but there are degrees of idealism and how far you can take faith.
i miss the days when like a wide-eyed child, i would imagine what lay ahead for me. in a somewhat childish way, there were all the elements of fairy-tale-isms and happily-ever-afters. in those dreams, in those times, marriage was something that could happen to me, and i had names for my kids the way people have things-to-do lists. i had a boy who loved me, a mum who understood me, a dad who thought the world of me, friends who thought it was cool to know me. it seemed that a bright future lay ahead of me, whispering of better things to come.
but then...the boy grew into a man, and decided it was not enough anymore to love just me. and mum became disillusioned when it dawned on her that her kid had a private life. and dad just got uncomfortable when it dawned on him that his little girl was now a woman. and friends...*sigh* friends. where are they when you need them? oh, and the future? well, the future...the marriage...the kids with names...the house...the car(s)...the cat(s)...the career...there is no fairytale after all, is there?
its true. people will, and do, cheat. people will, and do, lie. people will, and will always, hurt you. if you rely on anyone other than yourself for your dreams, then stop dreaming.
put it down to bad experiences, like everyone else. blame it on the dog. blame it on the government. blame it on genetics. blame it on the other woman. or just blame it on God.
but i refuse to give up that little strand of idealism, that says its all up to me, and just that tiny little bit of chance.
if i dream of anything, it will be that i have faith in me. that i will find what im looking for, if only i look, or work, hard enough for it.
so help me God.
i used to have faith in marriage, in long-distance relationships and in being liked by people just for being me.
but there are degrees of idealism and how far you can take faith.
i miss the days when like a wide-eyed child, i would imagine what lay ahead for me. in a somewhat childish way, there were all the elements of fairy-tale-isms and happily-ever-afters. in those dreams, in those times, marriage was something that could happen to me, and i had names for my kids the way people have things-to-do lists. i had a boy who loved me, a mum who understood me, a dad who thought the world of me, friends who thought it was cool to know me. it seemed that a bright future lay ahead of me, whispering of better things to come.
but then...the boy grew into a man, and decided it was not enough anymore to love just me. and mum became disillusioned when it dawned on her that her kid had a private life. and dad just got uncomfortable when it dawned on him that his little girl was now a woman. and friends...*sigh* friends. where are they when you need them? oh, and the future? well, the future...the marriage...the kids with names...the house...the car(s)...the cat(s)...the career...there is no fairytale after all, is there?
its true. people will, and do, cheat. people will, and do, lie. people will, and will always, hurt you. if you rely on anyone other than yourself for your dreams, then stop dreaming.
put it down to bad experiences, like everyone else. blame it on the dog. blame it on the government. blame it on genetics. blame it on the other woman. or just blame it on God.
but i refuse to give up that little strand of idealism, that says its all up to me, and just that tiny little bit of chance.
if i dream of anything, it will be that i have faith in me. that i will find what im looking for, if only i look, or work, hard enough for it.
so help me God.
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
peer pressure?
