snow.on.the.sahara

well.

its finally the end of both the worst, and best year of my life.

ive had to learn how to let go, give up, and move on.

ive cried so many tears, and come so close to the end.

and yet, ive bounced back and survived.

ive felt the intensity of true, deep love.

ive hurt through the experience of old love.

i know what it feels like for love to die.

and i know what it feels like for it to be reborn.

ive lost some friends, but gained new ones.

ive had to pick up pieces of an old life and start over.

ive come to believe again.

ive found what im looking for.

i know what im made of.

ive grown up, and yet...ive learnt to live like a child again.

ive discovered who i really am.

ive learnt to be grateful...mostly for the small things.

to all that is past, thank you for showing me love, pain, realization, and the strength of my own courage.

to the future, please grant me a little bit of faith, hope and optimism.

*sigh*

what a year.

happy new year everyone.

*sigh*

would you like to play a little game?

YES...proceed to next question.
NO...oh, bugger. you're no fun.

allow me to present to you a little dilemma:

a friend of yours, someone very close to you, someone who always used to come to you for advice, no longer listens to you.

this friend, whom we shall call...errr...AH LIAN...yes, how original...was dating a total loser for a couple of years, but of course, didnt know it until the loser demonstrated his losing ways by cheating on her. oh yes, not ONCE but EIGHT TIMES.

and each time, she forgave him.

he'll change, Ah Lian thought.

and each time, he didnt.

and each time, she thought the same thing.

and each time, you told her to let him go.

and each time, she'd say "yes, ill let him go".

and each time, she didnt.

one and a half years since the loser cheated on her the first time, she's dumped him three times, gone back to him twice, and despite constantly hearing of his dirty deeds from both his friends and her own, she still refuses to let him go. even worse, her health is failing and she's gotten so thin from misery, she looks nothing like she used to.

*PAUSE*

CONTINUE...go on, there's more.
PASS...its ok, i would have given up by now too.

dear reader, if you're still hanging on to this sad tale, i salute you.

after dumping the loser twice, and not speaking to him for a month, you begin to think: perhaps she's finally done it! she's FINALLY gotten rid of the CHEATING BASTARD! Ah Lian meets Ah Beng, a guy you think is absolutely perfect for her...sweet, romantic, gentle, and better for her than she dares to admit..and they begin to see each other, casually first, then a little more seriously. Ah Beng professes his undying love. Ah Lian's not so sure.

its ok, you tell her, give it time, open up your heart and love will come.

ok, she says. and you believe her.

a month later, she's 'kinda sorta' going out with Ah Beng. you thought she was finally happy. her health is better, her cheeks are rosy. but little do you know, she's secretly seeing the loser behind our hero's back. ok ok, she's not doing 'anything' with him, she's going out with him, having dinner with him, spending insane amounts of time with him, giving him and herself that teeny tiny wee bit of hope that there's still a chance for them to get back together.

meanwhile...our hero, oblivious to the dire position he's in, whistles a happy tune and thinks 'maybe there's a chance with her'.

and you, you silly silly fool of a friend, continue to think that MAYBE, just MAYBE sense and sanity will someday prevail.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
a) give up on her completely. you've done all you can.
b) turn a blind eye. after all, its her life. even if its making her miserable.
c) try and talk sense to her. AGAIN.
d) shake some sense into her. literally.
e) tell the loser to F*** off and butt out. even better, physically KICK him out.
f) other...?

well, apart from the fact that kai is there. ;)

it was naughty. then again, the pic says it all.

boxing day, im sick, and am back in the office...again.

i sit at my pc, feeling miserable and sorry for myself...again.

i woke up this morning and had no heart to come to this place...again.

i feel disillusioned and weary, with nary an ounce of passion for this job...again.

could it be im just whining?

could it...could it just be a case of the post-(non)holiday blues?

am i just simply in need of some rest and a little time to find myself?

or am i just complaining for the sake of complaining, about a job that somebody else might give a hand or leg for?

sometimes i feel ungrateful for feeling this way. i mean, i am so damn lucky to be working where i am and doing what i do. arent i?

but then i wonder if this is all it is...to slave away at a job for the rest of one's life and yet feel completely unfulfilled...? are there other places that can offer me fulfillment? other places that can take what i have to offer and turn dreams and ideas into reality?

i am filled with questions: why oh why do i feel so undervalued? why am i so underpaid? why do i work my ass off for people who think im dispensible? why am i made to feel bad for taking half the day off when im sick? why am i made to feel like i owe people something when im sick and still drag myself to work? why am i not paid overtime for all my extra hours on the job? why do i do double everybody else's work and get paid less than they do? why do we never get bonuses? why are we made to feel guilty for wanting to take annual leave, or public holidays? why, after all my effort, am i still treated as if im not worthy enough? why are my claims still overdue? why am i ALWAYS paid late? why cant i earn enough to pay my bills? why does my job display none of the principles/ethics i think it should have? why must i be dragged into other people's politics? why do i feel so tired?

should i see what the world out there has to offer? should i leave my company? should i try out another field of work? another tv station? another country?

*sigh*

24-12-2003

in a rather jolly festive mood, kai and i set off to klcc yesterday to buy last minute christmas prezzies for dad and yean. we spent 3/4 of our time at kinokuniya, our favourite bookstore, with kai cracking his head over what to buy for my dad and bro. for mum, the dear boy had easily secured a lovely set of christmas lights from ikea the week before. a clever boy always knows to buy his girlfriend's mother's gift FIRST. innit, dear?

for dad and bro however, kai quickly discovered that the prezzie-buying affair is nowhere near as easy as buying presents for a woman (the trick for women, after all, is to find the cutest, fluffiest, tiniest, or most expensive item in the store. and how hard can THAT be?).

for example, the dilemma of:

for dad--> the "naughty boys' 2004 calender (with dirty jokes to be shared at the bar with friends over a beer and much much more)" OR the "tong shu almanac diary (a day-by-day guide for when to avoid pond-building and washing your car. oh, and haircuts)"?

for yean-->the jeffrey archer (for intrigue), bill bryson (for laughs) or latest barry trotter installment (for kicks and not much else)?

after four hours of walking back and forth aimlessly between general fiction, travel, bestsellers and new age, kai settled for:

the "tong shu almanac diary" for dad

and

the jeffrey archer for yean.

phew.

then we went for dinner at the labrooy's place, our usual christmas eve destination, had ham and turkey with salad and cranberry sauce...and finally...a home-made pudding with brandy cream!

25-12-2003

i got *grin*:

1. kai (sweet boy): a photo frame fitted with a pic of us in penang
2. kai (absolutely lovely boy): an ikea teddy bear
3. kai (three presents and you're one very smart boy): a tiny tee
4. yean: can't go wrong with another tiny tee, especially if it refers to your sis as 'princess' ;)
5. yean: chocolate (always a winner)
6. mum: incense pot with my favourite vanilla-scented candles
7. dad: estee lauder perfume, lipstick, hairpin and handbag!
8. the labrooys: earrings and necklace

aww. i am loved! *warm fuzzy*

sadly, for such a lovely eve and christmas morning, with presents and presents galore (!), my day has progressively gotten a little less merry.

its 4pm, and im sitting here in the office, mulling over the miserable fact that as a newsreader, you never really get to celebrate anything. while the family's at home having traditional christmas lunch with friends and rellies, the not-so-glamorous newsreader daughter sits at her computer feeling mighty sorry for herself. at 6pm, she will be all the way in mines wonderland doing a report (or at least, trying to) on "the best-dressed tinkerbell contest". later, as they feast over (another turkey) dinner, she will sit alone in a dark tv studio all by her lil self...to face the camera and the country as they too, enjoy the merriments of the festive season.

*blub blub blub*

im feeling blubby. oh well.

anyways, bugger that. to all of my friends, readers and curious visitors...
may you all have a blessed and merry, merry christmas!

*blub*

its something i seem to have taken for granted. for while you san franners have just struggled through a blackout that hit one-third of san francisco saturday, i struggle now to manually edit a news story in an automatically-defunct newsroom.

this is harder than it sounds.

we have some of the latest technology in here to put together our news scripts, to match our words with those pictures you see on your screen. our clipbox is built to store huge amounts of visuals, voice-overs, graphics and soundbytes into one single mainframe. our editting machines are built to combine all these elements into an entire news broadcast. all this will eventually air "live", with the newsreader intro-ing each story.

when everything breaks down, and this can be due to any number of reasons...even, quite simply, one wrongly executed "save" command, you can imagine the pandemonium that ensues. we call this a "hang". when cries of "clipbox hang!" ring through the newsroom, you know you're in trouble. sometimes the clipbox "hangs" mid-broadcast...resulting in the newsreader having to explain away a blank screen when the voice-over is supposed to come on and doesnt. this is also the time you witness the "siaran tergendala*" filler, or the ever notorious "jangan betulkan peti televisyen anda** (accompanied by sheepish grin from newsreader)".

bad enough for the newsreader. but for the reporter, work literally triples when the system goes on the blink. on top of two, sometimes three interviews/press conferences to cover each day, there is the script-writing for each event, the archive visual search at the library, the soundbyte-search at the SX machines, the graphic requests, the voice-overs, the visual loading, and eventually, the editting.

all this is done with sophisticated machines.

sophisticated machine dies, we die.

the reporter now has to dump visuals, soundbytes and graphics onto separate tapes. record the voice-over on a video camera, and load it onto two separate, ancient machines.

the editor now sits at his centuries old back-up computer, twisting dials and pressing buttons. he and the reporter wait feverishly as the visuals roll by, all the time nervously checking the clock as the minutes tick by. its 7.30 pm, a half hour to go til we're on air, and reporters, editors, producers and assistant producers are flying around the newsroom hoping to save time by running.

we've gone back two decades, experiencing tv news as it was done in the 80's and thanking god for quantel newsbox and velocity.

now if only they would stop breaking down.

oh dear god.

"clipbox hang!"

gotta go.


*interrupted broadcast
**dont adjust those tv screens!

another of my friends got married today.

(congratulations zabrina and jason khaliq!).

she looked gorgeous in her mother's wedding gown, and he, quite handsome in his baju melayu.

the ring had been his mother's and he had had it custom fit with two extra diamonds for added effect. trust the ever-wise jason to know what makes a woman tick...if any man could've won zabrina's heart, it would've had to be a man with the patient and thoughtful ways of one mr. jason k. armstrong.

but. forgive me, i ramble.

this is the precise moment where everything came into perspective for one ms. sheahnee lee: for as the happy couple sat for the 'bersanding' ceremony, and i excitedly sprinkled holy water and flowers on the both of them, i couldnt help but feel a little twang in my heart.

why, oh why? says me.

because, silly twanging heart, at this point, maybe in a parallel life, that could have been me up there getting married, albeit...ALBEIT...it would have been a hindu wedding, the groom would have been indian, and i would have been in an elaborate saree. that's why.

the moment was so uncalled for, so unexpected, i didnt quite know how to react. except to smile, kiss the bride, hug the groom, and sincerely wish them all my very best.

after all, they found each other. how many of us out there ever do?

...and if we do, how many of us are actually lucky enough to make it that far?

...and if we do, how many of us are actually lucky enough to spend the rest of our days loving the one person who's right for us? and to be loved in the exact some way back?

*sigh* the million dollar question. although methinks the value has gone up (inflation) and now we're looking at some crazy figure much closer to a billion.

i wonder if anyone out there has any true love stories to share, proof that lifelong love can, and does, exist?

is it overly wishful to hope that there's a chance for all of us?

i wish life, and love, were not all so bloody complicated.

yesterday, i lost a friend.

not to death, but through selfishness...on his part as well as mine.

i suppose i could say, if he had been a boyfriend, it would have been a break-up. and a horrible, horrible one at that.

you dont really ever expect to lose a friend in that way, with arguing, shouting, screaming and cursing. sometimes you lose friends by losing contact, betrayal or by simply out-growing them and no longer having anything to say to each other over coffee.

but i couldnt keep this one and i knew it was coming. sometimes you can both try at a friendship, and try hard. sadly though, when both of you have different ideas of what friendship is, or what it MEANS, then you can struggle all you like to keep the friendship alive, but inevitably it will die on you...because you will think you did your best. and the other will simply think you didnt try hard enough.

you see, for me, friendship is one that can stand the test of time, and distance. you dont have to see or talk to each other everyday to know the other cares for you and will stand by you when times are hard. im not saying that friendships dont have to be cultivated, but when you cant see each other for your own reasons, the other still understands.

of course, when you are both able to see each other, you make it a point to do so, and it will be as if the two of you had never been apart. it will be like old times, and you will laugh and gossip over coffee as if the days had never passed at all.

but this isnt always as easily said as it is done. sometimes work, family and even a significant other will mean you are constantly pre-occupied with trying to please everyone. family will complain when they think youre spending too much time with boyfriend. boyfriend will complain when you think youre spending too much time at work. work will suffer if you dont put your heart and soul into it. and you yourself will suffer neglect if you dont give yourself breathing time to juggle all these priorities AND make sure you take your vitamins. where then, do friends fit in, if you barely have enough time for yourself, let alone others?

whenever i can, when it seems work, family and boyfriend are equally satisfied with my effort, i make sure i take the time to call on friends i have ruthlessly neglected. if you have ever been one of these people, i apologize, but thank you for understanding.

i cant say i have always been the best type of friend, but at least you know when you need me, you can call and ill be there for you. anytime.

yesterday, when i was told that i was a 'lousy friend who had never put in any effort', i cant really explain the feeling that washed over me. part of me felt terrible that i may not have put in as much effort as i should have, another part of me felt that i had just walked into a brick wall.

i cant say i did enough for you, my friend, but at least one thing's clear now between you and me. you want me to fit into your idea of friendship and i just cant. and im sorry.

thanks for all the good times and the fun we had. thanks for being there for me when my heart broke the first time. thanks for cooking for me. thanks for always making me feel welcome in your home. we may have lost each other, but ill never lose the memories of the times we had together as friends.

im only 24, but these days i catch myself wondering: why do i feel so old?

it seems to me that as you get a little older every year, so too does your life begin to ebb. its morbid, but really, if you think about it...

you see, just the other day i remembered my dear friend shai, whom ive not spoken to in ages, had just turned 25.

'gee, he's a quarter of a century old already,' i laughed to myself.

and then, in that little split second it took to register, i realised, thats's ME one year from now.

the same day i hit upon this remarkable (and quite terrifying) discovery, i found out that another very close friend had been diagnosed with colon cancer.

he is my age. doesnt smoke. doesnt drink. has a heart of gold and wouldnt hurt a fly.

friends my age are old.

friends my age are getting cancer.

friends my age could be dying as we speak.

the grief, not just from the horrible news, but also about the inevitability of age, disease and death, consumed me.

i once thought we were still too young to have to worry about these things.

seems like we're not.

my friends...if you've ever taken your youth, and by that token, life, for granted...stop. remember you, and the ones you love, could all be fine and dandy one day, and cease to exist the next.

live for today, hope for tomorrow, and cherish yesterday. and please, please, dont think its ok to just hope for today, cherish tomorrow and live for yesterday.

sometimes im a pain in the ass. i can be a such a bitch and know that im being one and cant be bothered doing anything about it. the worst thing is that i make other people feel bad, as if it were their fault for making me that way. and then they get upset, and i say 'now what on earth are you getting upset about?'. and in the end, either i get an apology eventhough im being the bitch. or me and the other person fight, and i give an apology without knowing exactly what we were fighting over in the first place.

am i confusing you?

im sorry, i cant really be sure myself what im going on about. maybe im articulating this mental disease im almost pretty sure is eating away at my brain, leading to my increasing state of apathy towards everyone and the world. because when i get that way, im aware im being difficult, and yet i feel no desire to stop being that way. its as if ive given up trying with anyone at all. and then again, sometimes the old me returns, the one who used to care a whole lot about making people feel happy and loved, and i feel guilty and try to make up for the damage my apathetic side has caused.

other times, i know ive hurt someone by being snide, or cold, or by just turning off. and i dont do, or feel, a damn thing about it. i dont understand whats happening to me. i dont know how i got this way. or why i let myself get this way. i dont know when a part of me stopped caring. it doesnt mean i no longer have it in me to love fully and truly. i think that i can. in fact, ive felt it and know its still there. but i dont understand which part of me it is that can make me turn so heartlessly on someone i love and strike...

i know i didnt use to be this way. when, why, how...?

upon self reflection, i think sometimes i dont know myself anymore. i get this feeling that a part of me has died and i dont know how to revive it. i feel detached from that side of me, a side that once had sympathy, empathy and a sense of selflessness.

i closed my eyes just now, in a moment of sudden self-awareness and asked myself: how do i get that part of me back?

the only answer i got was a swirling black mass of unfeeling in my soul. a deep emptiness. and a pain in my heart from a hole that suggests something which was once there is gone. maybe irretrievably.

i want me back. has anyone ever felt this way? can someone, anyone, tell me how?