Saturday, January 31, 2004
the eye.
im going to write about something very personal to me.
(perhaps a public blog isnt the best place to write about things that mess us up inside, especially if theyve got something to do with our own little insecurities and all, and doubly especially if they come across as hugely insignificant to the outside world. but hey, i need to rant somewhere too, you know.)
ok...*deep breath*
ive always believed you should be happy with yourself. with how you look, with how you feel and with how you fit (or dont fit) into this world. that is, ideally.
unfortunately, in this respect, i dont exactly practice what i preach. truth is, i quite often dont feel happy with myself. with how i look, particularly. funny thing is, i wasnt really bothered by it all until people started commenting about the little flaws on my face as if they were serious handicaps and therefore detrimental to my career.
i think it all started at the annual beauty parade that is chinese new year, where comparing your kid's outstanding looks and intellect is absolutely necessary to show your relatives who got the better genes in the family.
when i was eight, many chinese new years ago, i remember happily bouncing along to my great grandma's place in a new little red cheongsam. chinese aunties and uncles have a way of constantly comparing your height to that of other cousins around your age. "wah...ler ani tuahan liao horr*" was extremely common. in later years, this gradually became "wahh...pui pui sui sui!**" and now, these days its "wahhh, ler san ani sui wohhh...***"
its little wonder my cousins and i grew up feeling rather self conscious.
anyway. that CNY, an aunty of mine, known throughout the lands for her dragon tongue, held my chin in her right hand, looked hard at my face and pronounced that there was something horribly wrong with my eyes and i should get them 'fixed'.
when i went home that day, i looked at myself in the mirror and realised that oen of my eyes has a double eyelid, and the other doesnt. in other words, one eye was smaller and a little more chinese looking than the other. which isnt so bad right? right?
unfortunately for me, commenting on my 'disfigured' face has become a fad in my dad's side of the family. since then, there has never been a single family get-together on my chinese side that does not begin with (not "hello!") but "You should get that eye fixed! These days very cheap only!"
since I started reading the news though, the comments have only gotten worse. Its now "Haiyoo, Sheahnee ah...that day ah, you read ah, VERY obvious you know, your eye. Go fix lah!"
not only that, now it seems my boss has gotten into the act, and sends distressed messages from the room upstairs to the make-up artists to "Do something about that eye!". the make-up artists, in turn, have now sworn off doing my make-up, and miraculously fall sick every day i go on-air. so ok, the make-up doesnt hide the fact that one of my eyes looks droopy on air. i didnt think it was that big a deal.
but you know what bothers me? not once, not once has my boss, or anyone else in the newsroom, ever said something constructive about the way i read the news. never. its always the eye, the eye, the eye.
they cant see past the goddamn eye!
ive thrown in the towel folks. i admit defeat. and i am scheduled for an appointment with a cosmetic surgeon next thursday to have 'the eye' fixed.
maybe after this (and i can only hope!), people will watch the news for the news, or the way i read, and leave it, just rightly, as that.
and if they have anything nasty to say, be it about the way i read, or my mispronounciation, or my accent...fine. so be it.
but please, please...let it NOT be all about the eye.
*"wah...so big one hah you now..."
**"wahhh...fat fat pretty pretty!"
***"wahh...the thinner you are the prettier you are..."
(perhaps a public blog isnt the best place to write about things that mess us up inside, especially if theyve got something to do with our own little insecurities and all, and doubly especially if they come across as hugely insignificant to the outside world. but hey, i need to rant somewhere too, you know.)
ok...*deep breath*
ive always believed you should be happy with yourself. with how you look, with how you feel and with how you fit (or dont fit) into this world. that is, ideally.
unfortunately, in this respect, i dont exactly practice what i preach. truth is, i quite often dont feel happy with myself. with how i look, particularly. funny thing is, i wasnt really bothered by it all until people started commenting about the little flaws on my face as if they were serious handicaps and therefore detrimental to my career.
i think it all started at the annual beauty parade that is chinese new year, where comparing your kid's outstanding looks and intellect is absolutely necessary to show your relatives who got the better genes in the family.
when i was eight, many chinese new years ago, i remember happily bouncing along to my great grandma's place in a new little red cheongsam. chinese aunties and uncles have a way of constantly comparing your height to that of other cousins around your age. "wah...ler ani tuahan liao horr*" was extremely common. in later years, this gradually became "wahh...pui pui sui sui!**" and now, these days its "wahhh, ler san ani sui wohhh...***"
its little wonder my cousins and i grew up feeling rather self conscious.
anyway. that CNY, an aunty of mine, known throughout the lands for her dragon tongue, held my chin in her right hand, looked hard at my face and pronounced that there was something horribly wrong with my eyes and i should get them 'fixed'.
when i went home that day, i looked at myself in the mirror and realised that oen of my eyes has a double eyelid, and the other doesnt. in other words, one eye was smaller and a little more chinese looking than the other. which isnt so bad right? right?
unfortunately for me, commenting on my 'disfigured' face has become a fad in my dad's side of the family. since then, there has never been a single family get-together on my chinese side that does not begin with (not "hello!") but "You should get that eye fixed! These days very cheap only!"
since I started reading the news though, the comments have only gotten worse. Its now "Haiyoo, Sheahnee ah...that day ah, you read ah, VERY obvious you know, your eye. Go fix lah!"
not only that, now it seems my boss has gotten into the act, and sends distressed messages from the room upstairs to the make-up artists to "Do something about that eye!". the make-up artists, in turn, have now sworn off doing my make-up, and miraculously fall sick every day i go on-air. so ok, the make-up doesnt hide the fact that one of my eyes looks droopy on air. i didnt think it was that big a deal.
but you know what bothers me? not once, not once has my boss, or anyone else in the newsroom, ever said something constructive about the way i read the news. never. its always the eye, the eye, the eye.
they cant see past the goddamn eye!
ive thrown in the towel folks. i admit defeat. and i am scheduled for an appointment with a cosmetic surgeon next thursday to have 'the eye' fixed.
maybe after this (and i can only hope!), people will watch the news for the news, or the way i read, and leave it, just rightly, as that.
and if they have anything nasty to say, be it about the way i read, or my mispronounciation, or my accent...fine. so be it.
but please, please...let it NOT be all about the eye.
*"wah...so big one hah you now..."
**"wahhh...fat fat pretty pretty!"
***"wahh...the thinner you are the prettier you are..."
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
allow me...
to introduce two new found bloggermates, whose blogs i assure you, are highly entertaining, and if anything, a lovely testimony to a match-made-in-tropical-heaven.
there is chern who, as ive discovered, is a sweet 22 year old with a minor propensity for sarcasm and a sharp eye for character. oh, and who's getting married to
yao, a budding doctor studying in singapore who, while obviously all man (!), is NOT afraid of referring to his lady as "my baby". and any guy who can do that is very very cool in my books.
there is chern who, as ive discovered, is a sweet 22 year old with a minor propensity for sarcasm and a sharp eye for character. oh, and who's getting married to
yao, a budding doctor studying in singapore who, while obviously all man (!), is NOT afraid of referring to his lady as "my baby". and any guy who can do that is very very cool in my books.
having an ear.
there are times when its not just enough to have a heart...sometimes you need to have an ear too.
its been so long since i last talked to a friend; i mean REALLY talked.
and its been so long since i last listened.
(btw, other halves dont count.)
im the type of person who feels guilty for unloading problems onto other people, so i tend to just keep most things inside, or spill as much as i dare onto this poor suffering blog. thats why once in a while you will see a random out-of-nowhere bitch session, crazed rant or depressed soliloquy.
but youll rarely, if ever, catch me having a deep discussion with a girlfriend about the whys, hows, and ifs of anything. least of all the wheres, whens and whats.
i think thats why i get so disillusioned sometimes, because i have no one to hear happy stories from, and even less of a chance of getting that much needed kick in the ass. and so i drown in my own little puddle of self-made misery, and feel awfully sorry for myself.
the other day i had a rare opportunity to sit down with a friend over dinner...and whaddaya know...the words flowed....
it felt so easy to unload, to pour the words out of a waterlogged heart.
and she, it seemed, looked relieved to be able to pour out hers.
how is it we can be so busy we forget the importance of listening?
little might we realise, its having an ear that shows we have a heart. and that we're human. and that we're fallible.
and most importantly, that its ok.
its been so long since i last talked to a friend; i mean REALLY talked.
and its been so long since i last listened.
(btw, other halves dont count.)
im the type of person who feels guilty for unloading problems onto other people, so i tend to just keep most things inside, or spill as much as i dare onto this poor suffering blog. thats why once in a while you will see a random out-of-nowhere bitch session, crazed rant or depressed soliloquy.
but youll rarely, if ever, catch me having a deep discussion with a girlfriend about the whys, hows, and ifs of anything. least of all the wheres, whens and whats.
i think thats why i get so disillusioned sometimes, because i have no one to hear happy stories from, and even less of a chance of getting that much needed kick in the ass. and so i drown in my own little puddle of self-made misery, and feel awfully sorry for myself.
the other day i had a rare opportunity to sit down with a friend over dinner...and whaddaya know...the words flowed....
it felt so easy to unload, to pour the words out of a waterlogged heart.
and she, it seemed, looked relieved to be able to pour out hers.
how is it we can be so busy we forget the importance of listening?
little might we realise, its having an ear that shows we have a heart. and that we're human. and that we're fallible.
and most importantly, that its ok.
Monday, January 26, 2004
what does a pin mean to you?
here's a hopeful tale i heard from a very close friend of mine, who showed me that romance is still alive, even in its very simplest form.
she and the man she loves are separated by miles and miles of sea, and as if that werent bad enough, two continents to boot.
one particularly lonely night, when worry and depression are driving her near madness, and it seems that she, let alone they, could never make it past the distance, he meets her online to console her.
seeing his face on webcam brings a small smile to hers, but the sadness nevertheless, remains.
he tells her he loves her, reminds her of the littlest, but sweetest, moments they shared together, and recounts vividly to her his memory of how lovely she always smelt in the morning.
she weeps, and then tearfully, adds: i would marry you at the drop of a pin...
without so much as a word, he looks meaningfully at her through the camera, and climbs onto his chair, all those miles, and miles, away.
reaching up for something, and retrieving it, he climbs back down and produces to her, on screen, a tiny little pushpin.
and then, just as wordlessly, he drops that pin on the floor with a *ping!*, and smiles at her.
"i love you", he says. "...would you drop a pin for me?"
* * *
*sigh*
a minute later...
*warm fuzzy*
so, my friends, if you have any of your own personal tales that can prove true romance is still alive (and please folks, none of those 'he gave me flowers' or tragic titanic sagas) that you would like to share with me, drop me a comment or mail me. i could sure do with a few warm-fuzzies right now.
she and the man she loves are separated by miles and miles of sea, and as if that werent bad enough, two continents to boot.
one particularly lonely night, when worry and depression are driving her near madness, and it seems that she, let alone they, could never make it past the distance, he meets her online to console her.
seeing his face on webcam brings a small smile to hers, but the sadness nevertheless, remains.
he tells her he loves her, reminds her of the littlest, but sweetest, moments they shared together, and recounts vividly to her his memory of how lovely she always smelt in the morning.
she weeps, and then tearfully, adds: i would marry you at the drop of a pin...
without so much as a word, he looks meaningfully at her through the camera, and climbs onto his chair, all those miles, and miles, away.
reaching up for something, and retrieving it, he climbs back down and produces to her, on screen, a tiny little pushpin.
and then, just as wordlessly, he drops that pin on the floor with a *ping!*, and smiles at her.
"i love you", he says. "...would you drop a pin for me?"
*sigh*
a minute later...
*warm fuzzy*
so, my friends, if you have any of your own personal tales that can prove true romance is still alive (and please folks, none of those 'he gave me flowers' or tragic titanic sagas) that you would like to share with me, drop me a comment or mail me. i could sure do with a few warm-fuzzies right now.
Sunday, January 25, 2004
wont this all just go away?
ok, so maybe im not holding up so well after all.
i hate to have to admit this after being able to handle things fine, or so i think, over the past few days. i even felt proud of myself at some point, for holding my head up high.
but then, i woke up this morning with an uneasy feeling in the pit of my gut, and i havent been able to shake it off all day.
im trying so hard to stay positive, and i keep willing myself to believe that everything's ok and that ill be fine.
but oh God, im so afraid. im so afraid of this feeling. im so terrified of the things my mind would have me believe. i want to listen to my heart, which normally assures me all is well, but even my heart's not working with me today.
i struggle between my heart and mind almost all the time, but today its just getting harder to take a step back and just breathe.
its as if ive been on an ecstasy pill for the last 9 months. but now its effects are beginning to wear off and im experiencing the mother of all "coming downs". people tell me that coming down is the depth of all misery, when you cant pick yourself up and the whole world is against you.
well, i wouldnt say i feel the world is against me, rather, that the odds are all stacked against me. im probably feeling mighty sorry for myself, but trust me, trust me, when i say i dont want to feel this way.
i hate the way this feels, and id give anything to make it go away. but what can you do when you close your eyes and you cant sleep? regardless of how much you will your brain to shut down for the night, it wont if something's bothering you inside.
its definitely psychological, but i cant eat, my hands have been shaking the whole day and my chest feels like ive got a two tonne weight holding me down. and its hard just keeping my head above the water.
why oh why oh why.........
will my mind give me no peace?
will the past give me no rest?
how can i put this fear to sleep once and for all?
how can i be strong not just for me, but for us?
or do i risk destroying it all...just because i cant bloody pull myself together....?
i hate to have to admit this after being able to handle things fine, or so i think, over the past few days. i even felt proud of myself at some point, for holding my head up high.
but then, i woke up this morning with an uneasy feeling in the pit of my gut, and i havent been able to shake it off all day.
im trying so hard to stay positive, and i keep willing myself to believe that everything's ok and that ill be fine.
but oh God, im so afraid. im so afraid of this feeling. im so terrified of the things my mind would have me believe. i want to listen to my heart, which normally assures me all is well, but even my heart's not working with me today.
i struggle between my heart and mind almost all the time, but today its just getting harder to take a step back and just breathe.
its as if ive been on an ecstasy pill for the last 9 months. but now its effects are beginning to wear off and im experiencing the mother of all "coming downs". people tell me that coming down is the depth of all misery, when you cant pick yourself up and the whole world is against you.
well, i wouldnt say i feel the world is against me, rather, that the odds are all stacked against me. im probably feeling mighty sorry for myself, but trust me, trust me, when i say i dont want to feel this way.
i hate the way this feels, and id give anything to make it go away. but what can you do when you close your eyes and you cant sleep? regardless of how much you will your brain to shut down for the night, it wont if something's bothering you inside.
its definitely psychological, but i cant eat, my hands have been shaking the whole day and my chest feels like ive got a two tonne weight holding me down. and its hard just keeping my head above the water.
why oh why oh why.........
will my mind give me no peace?
will the past give me no rest?
how can i put this fear to sleep once and for all?
how can i be strong not just for me, but for us?
or do i risk destroying it all...just because i cant bloody pull myself together....?
Friday, January 23, 2004
the joys of webcam.
thank God for technology.
i was awoken out of deep slumber this a.m. by an excited kai, asking me to "get online".
and so, in my befuddled state, bed hair two feet high with eyes barely open, i stumbled to the study and turned on the PC.
and whaddaya know, messenger pops up and kai's face is smack in front of me, smiling brightly.
i was so happy i cried. oh, after all the joyful screaming, of course. :D
and to think all this was not possible 10 years ago.
i wonder how lovers survived when they were parted by a continent or a sea before internet?
it must have been terribly painful not knowing how the other was doing, or coping. or whether the feelings were still the same.
some relationships survived the distance, and the time, regardless of the sporadic nature of letter-writing. why cant some couples make it even with all this technology around them today?
perhaps it speaks volumes of the stength of feeling between the two. or the nature of their bond.
perhaps sometimes its not even the bond, but remembering it that counts.
hmmm....*think think think*
anyhow, i say, technology is a wonderful thing. i am truly convinced of this now after experiencing how magical it feels seeing the one you love infront of you, eventhough he's actually miles and miles away...
...then, when he's able to kiss you good morning all the way from america...you remember just why you love him, and believe this might really work.
and if seeing him, even without touching him, helps to keep the memory of that bond alive, i say amen to webcam. and may God bless its creator!
*heart sings at top of voice*
i was awoken out of deep slumber this a.m. by an excited kai, asking me to "get online".
and so, in my befuddled state, bed hair two feet high with eyes barely open, i stumbled to the study and turned on the PC.
and whaddaya know, messenger pops up and kai's face is smack in front of me, smiling brightly.
i was so happy i cried. oh, after all the joyful screaming, of course. :D
and to think all this was not possible 10 years ago.
i wonder how lovers survived when they were parted by a continent or a sea before internet?
it must have been terribly painful not knowing how the other was doing, or coping. or whether the feelings were still the same.
some relationships survived the distance, and the time, regardless of the sporadic nature of letter-writing. why cant some couples make it even with all this technology around them today?
perhaps it speaks volumes of the stength of feeling between the two. or the nature of their bond.
perhaps sometimes its not even the bond, but remembering it that counts.
hmmm....*think think think*
anyhow, i say, technology is a wonderful thing. i am truly convinced of this now after experiencing how magical it feels seeing the one you love infront of you, eventhough he's actually miles and miles away...
...then, when he's able to kiss you good morning all the way from america...you remember just why you love him, and believe this might really work.
and if seeing him, even without touching him, helps to keep the memory of that bond alive, i say amen to webcam. and may God bless its creator!
*heart sings at top of voice*
calling all friends of tiff!
y'know how tiff enjoys whacking you guys with such glee?
haha.
this, my dearies, is vengeance.
http://1337-face.dk/pingvin.htm
p.s. sorry, tiff!
haha.
this, my dearies, is vengeance.
http://1337-face.dk/pingvin.htm
p.s. sorry, tiff!
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
ang pau chit pau lai.
a.k.a improving my financial standing!
to all my friends though far and wide,
wherever you may be,
its now that time of year again,
for cakes and chinese tea.
when morning comes, new clothes you'll don,
to visit your huge family,
you must sit down and join the fun,
and stuff yourself quite silly.
there is one thing i must admit,
it's really not polite,
the best part of my CNY
is not the lovely sight
of family and friends
united once again
or food galore, and drinks summore
and all the pretty men (!)
its really insignificant,
i prolly shouldnt say,
but then id burst from secrecy
and give myself away.
ok ok i tell you lah
for if i dont, you'll pry
the best part of my CNY
is ang pau chit pau lai*.
ok, so sue me. or otherwise just nominate me for worst poet of the year.
ok WHAT!
*very crudely translated as "where's my ang pau?"
to all my friends though far and wide,
wherever you may be,
its now that time of year again,
for cakes and chinese tea.
when morning comes, new clothes you'll don,
to visit your huge family,
you must sit down and join the fun,
and stuff yourself quite silly.
there is one thing i must admit,
it's really not polite,
the best part of my CNY
is not the lovely sight
of family and friends
united once again
or food galore, and drinks summore
and all the pretty men (!)
its really insignificant,
i prolly shouldnt say,
but then id burst from secrecy
and give myself away.
ok ok i tell you lah
for if i dont, you'll pry
the best part of my CNY
is ang pau chit pau lai*.
ok, so sue me. or otherwise just nominate me for worst poet of the year.
ok WHAT!
*very crudely translated as "where's my ang pau?"
dear God.
please hear my prayer.
everyone's going to be reading this, so i wont make it too sappy (eventho You know very well how sappy i can be when we have our little private chats).
Lord,
i dont ask you for very much.
in fact i never ask you for anything, except that you watch over my loved ones.
but please...if i could ask for anything, Lord, let it be this.
please watch over kai as he takes the last few legs of his penang-cornell journey.
he tells me he has two more flights. san fran-chicago, then chicago-syracuse. and then he has to take a shuttle to ithaca, which is too much travelling for anyone, period.
Lord,
please keep him safe, and let no harm befall him.
help him not be too tired after his journey.
let him not be too cold.
oh, and let him not fall sick in the freezing ithaca weather (which i hear is close to -20 at the mo).
Lord,
i ask for nothing for myself, except that you hear my prayer.
i dont fear what the world thinks of the words i speak to you from my heart.
at least i know that these words are written for posterity.
and at least, it shows i have faith in you.
Lord,
please hear my prayer, and let all those i love be well.
in the Lord's name i pray,
Amen.
everyone's going to be reading this, so i wont make it too sappy (eventho You know very well how sappy i can be when we have our little private chats).
Lord,
i dont ask you for very much.
in fact i never ask you for anything, except that you watch over my loved ones.
but please...if i could ask for anything, Lord, let it be this.
please watch over kai as he takes the last few legs of his penang-cornell journey.
he tells me he has two more flights. san fran-chicago, then chicago-syracuse. and then he has to take a shuttle to ithaca, which is too much travelling for anyone, period.
Lord,
please keep him safe, and let no harm befall him.
help him not be too tired after his journey.
let him not be too cold.
oh, and let him not fall sick in the freezing ithaca weather (which i hear is close to -20 at the mo).
Lord,
i ask for nothing for myself, except that you hear my prayer.
i dont fear what the world thinks of the words i speak to you from my heart.
at least i know that these words are written for posterity.
and at least, it shows i have faith in you.
Lord,
please hear my prayer, and let all those i love be well.
in the Lord's name i pray,
Amen.
total utter boredom.
man, im so bored i dont know what to do with myself.
ive read every blog i can think of.
ive finished reading the "mammoth book of vampires".
ive looked thru all the photos in my photo album. twice.
ive surfed every site worth visiting.
ive watched all the TV i can stomach for one night.
im too tired to go out.
i suck.
worse, im absolutely bored (and boring) without kai.
i double suck.
*sigh*
ive read every blog i can think of.
ive finished reading the "mammoth book of vampires".
ive looked thru all the photos in my photo album. twice.
ive surfed every site worth visiting.
ive watched all the TV i can stomach for one night.
im too tired to go out.
i suck.
worse, im absolutely bored (and boring) without kai.
i double suck.
*sigh*
Monday, January 19, 2004
to kai and sharon.
may you both have safe journeys and arrive safely at your destinations.
kai, need i say more than what i have already? i love you.
sharon, it was lovely meeting you and being able to spend a little time getting to know you. hopefully this time you will make it past hong kong! *wink*
be well, both of you.
kai, need i say more than what i have already? i love you.
sharon, it was lovely meeting you and being able to spend a little time getting to know you. hopefully this time you will make it past hong kong! *wink*
be well, both of you.
blub.
ohhh folks...
*blub*
nothing ever prepares you for separation, be it by fate or by design. you think you will be ok, strong even. and then he walks through that boarding gate and all you can think of is: come back!
being able to see kai off right at the boarding gate (thanks to that mad plan ot travelling to singapore to see him off), and not at the departure gate like most people, was heart-wrenching to say the least.
we sat outside that gate until the very last minute, a little teary-eyed, and when the security guys began looking over at us, we knew it was time to say our goodbyes. when he got through the door and past baggage x-ray i was still holding up. i can do it, i thought. i can be strong for him.
HAH.
the minute he walked over to the thick glass that now separated us and placed his palm against it, as if we could touch each other one more time, the floodgates opened and i was a mess.
seeing him walk down the ramp and into the plane was by far the hardest. i stubbornly stood there for the next twenty minutes til the plane pulled out of the hangar and crossed onto the runway. and when i could see it no more, i plopped onto a chair and blubbed like there was no tomorrow.
needless to say, it was a rather pathetic sight. thank god no one knows who the hell i am, and that im nowhere close to celebrity or papparazzi-dom, or the photographers wouldve had a field day.
i thought i might kill time by wandering around that airport, playing a game of nintendo maybe, surfing the net perhaps. i didnt.
by the time i came to my senses and gathered what little was left of my pride, i had a few minutes to spare for a coffee and another blub.
i miss kai.
*blub*
*blub*
nothing ever prepares you for separation, be it by fate or by design. you think you will be ok, strong even. and then he walks through that boarding gate and all you can think of is: come back!
being able to see kai off right at the boarding gate (thanks to that mad plan ot travelling to singapore to see him off), and not at the departure gate like most people, was heart-wrenching to say the least.
we sat outside that gate until the very last minute, a little teary-eyed, and when the security guys began looking over at us, we knew it was time to say our goodbyes. when he got through the door and past baggage x-ray i was still holding up. i can do it, i thought. i can be strong for him.
HAH.
the minute he walked over to the thick glass that now separated us and placed his palm against it, as if we could touch each other one more time, the floodgates opened and i was a mess.
seeing him walk down the ramp and into the plane was by far the hardest. i stubbornly stood there for the next twenty minutes til the plane pulled out of the hangar and crossed onto the runway. and when i could see it no more, i plopped onto a chair and blubbed like there was no tomorrow.
needless to say, it was a rather pathetic sight. thank god no one knows who the hell i am, and that im nowhere close to celebrity or papparazzi-dom, or the photographers wouldve had a field day.
i thought i might kill time by wandering around that airport, playing a game of nintendo maybe, surfing the net perhaps. i didnt.
by the time i came to my senses and gathered what little was left of my pride, i had a few minutes to spare for a coffee and another blub.
i miss kai.
*blub*
Sunday, January 18, 2004
@ changi.
dear everyone,
greetings from the free internet terminal at changi airport, singapore!
the trip down to the lion city isnt what you think...im not here on holiday. nor am i here job searching. nor am i here to visit anyone in particular.
im here to see off a boy i will miss a great deal...kai takes off at 7.20 am to the US of A.
almost 9 months ago, i never thought we would make it this far, let alone be at an airport for a few hours to see off a boy. but...life can be full of surprises, and sometimes even we amaze ourselves at the lengths we will go to love someone.
after he gets on that plane, methinks i will go sit down somewhere quietly and offer God a little prayer for kai's safe arrival at ithaca, ny.
then methinks i will dilly-dally around changi til 10 am, after which yours truly will get on a plane and fly back home to smoggy ol' KL.
if, of course, i dont spend all my time blubbing and forget to catch the plane.
hmmm.
greetings from the free internet terminal at changi airport, singapore!
the trip down to the lion city isnt what you think...im not here on holiday. nor am i here job searching. nor am i here to visit anyone in particular.
im here to see off a boy i will miss a great deal...kai takes off at 7.20 am to the US of A.
almost 9 months ago, i never thought we would make it this far, let alone be at an airport for a few hours to see off a boy. but...life can be full of surprises, and sometimes even we amaze ourselves at the lengths we will go to love someone.
after he gets on that plane, methinks i will go sit down somewhere quietly and offer God a little prayer for kai's safe arrival at ithaca, ny.
then methinks i will dilly-dally around changi til 10 am, after which yours truly will get on a plane and fly back home to smoggy ol' KL.
if, of course, i dont spend all my time blubbing and forget to catch the plane.
hmmm.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
interested anyone?
message reads:
"Please circulate this job ad notice among your friends who may be interested and tell them to respond asap.
Interviews will be held between Jan 26 to 28.
Best.
XXXX
TRAVEL TRADE REPORTER
AN established publishing company and exhibitions organiser is looking for a reporter in Kuala Lumpur. The right candidate has to be: highly motivated and resourceful; a news hound with a flair for feature writing, and contribute to a range of travel trade titles; willing to travel and sometimes work long hours.
The job is fun and exciting and the right candidate will be able to develop a rewarding career and work with a team of recognised, award-winning journalists.
If you have an excellent command of English, a proven track record as a reporter, some travel trade reporting experience, a relevant degree and have good organisational and people skills, we would like to hear from you.
Please e-mail your detailed curriculum vitae with a recent photograph stating current and expected salary to mailforhr@yahoo.com.sg before January 15, 2004. Only shortlisted candidates will be notified for interviews scheduled between January 17 and 20, 2004."
"Please circulate this job ad notice among your friends who may be interested and tell them to respond asap.
Interviews will be held between Jan 26 to 28.
Best.
XXXX
TRAVEL TRADE REPORTER
AN established publishing company and exhibitions organiser is looking for a reporter in Kuala Lumpur. The right candidate has to be: highly motivated and resourceful; a news hound with a flair for feature writing, and contribute to a range of travel trade titles; willing to travel and sometimes work long hours.
The job is fun and exciting and the right candidate will be able to develop a rewarding career and work with a team of recognised, award-winning journalists.
If you have an excellent command of English, a proven track record as a reporter, some travel trade reporting experience, a relevant degree and have good organisational and people skills, we would like to hear from you.
Please e-mail your detailed curriculum vitae with a recent photograph stating current and expected salary to mailforhr@yahoo.com.sg before January 15, 2004. Only shortlisted candidates will be notified for interviews scheduled between January 17 and 20, 2004."
Monday, January 12, 2004
missing in action.
ive been doing a lot of this lately, and for that i apologize. im in penang spending as much time as i can with kai before he leaves for the US to complete his long overdue studies.
its always lovely being in penang with this boy of mine. his family is lovely, his kid brother is so squeezable its not funny, and the food, weather and beach are glorious beyond measure. in addition i get to be as far away from the office as possible (barr the occasional misguided phone call: sheahnee ah...hah? you in PENANG?! haiyah!!!)...and the boy is wonderfully generous with love and attention (as if he isnt already).
but this time, i cant help but be filled with deep melancholy. MUST i go through another long distance relationship? wasnt the last one (and how it ended miserably) warning enough already? must i go through this absolutely chilling fear AGAIN, of losing the one i love to a girl i dont know about?
i try to be hopeful, that this time, all will be well. that my faith will not be misguided. that i will not be tempted. that he will not let me down. that love can be enough. and that trust can be rewarded.
it took such effort, on his part and mine, to make what we have already, work. but the hard part, i know, is yet to come.
can we make it?
*sigh*
i pray so. i dream so. i believe so. i damn well hope so.
i wish he didnt have to go. but he must. and i must face my fear and be strong. i think the biggest challenge for me now is not distance, but trust.
i have to trust him. i have to believe his eyes when he says he loves me. i have to follow my heart when it says he's the one. and i have to believe his words when he says there'll be no one else.
i said to him: its not faithfulness that matters to me as much as truthfulness. if you find your heart leads you elsewhere, be honest with me and say it out loud.
i find that i have less tolerance for liars than i have for cheats. perhaps this is how it always feels for someone who has never known love without lies.
but i tell myself, i will try. just once more. i WILL believe that honest love can exist.
i pray so.
i dream so.
i believe so.
i damn well hope so.
its always lovely being in penang with this boy of mine. his family is lovely, his kid brother is so squeezable its not funny, and the food, weather and beach are glorious beyond measure. in addition i get to be as far away from the office as possible (barr the occasional misguided phone call: sheahnee ah...hah? you in PENANG?! haiyah!!!)...and the boy is wonderfully generous with love and attention (as if he isnt already).
but this time, i cant help but be filled with deep melancholy. MUST i go through another long distance relationship? wasnt the last one (and how it ended miserably) warning enough already? must i go through this absolutely chilling fear AGAIN, of losing the one i love to a girl i dont know about?
i try to be hopeful, that this time, all will be well. that my faith will not be misguided. that i will not be tempted. that he will not let me down. that love can be enough. and that trust can be rewarded.
it took such effort, on his part and mine, to make what we have already, work. but the hard part, i know, is yet to come.
can we make it?
*sigh*
i pray so. i dream so. i believe so. i damn well hope so.
i wish he didnt have to go. but he must. and i must face my fear and be strong. i think the biggest challenge for me now is not distance, but trust.
i have to trust him. i have to believe his eyes when he says he loves me. i have to follow my heart when it says he's the one. and i have to believe his words when he says there'll be no one else.
i said to him: its not faithfulness that matters to me as much as truthfulness. if you find your heart leads you elsewhere, be honest with me and say it out loud.
i find that i have less tolerance for liars than i have for cheats. perhaps this is how it always feels for someone who has never known love without lies.
but i tell myself, i will try. just once more. i WILL believe that honest love can exist.
i pray so.
i dream so.
i believe so.
i damn well hope so.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
hooked.
well folks, i havent been blogging much lately...quite simply because ive been busy reading (LOTS of) other people's blogs.
sometimes you just want to tune out of all the goings-on happening in your puny little life and tune in to others'.
only, it seems everyone else has a more happening life than my own. huh.
take for instance, the blog i am devouring at the moment. the guardian unlimited has this to say about its winning entry for 'best written blog' at the british blog awards :
"The winner in this category however is Belle de Jour, the diary of a London call girl. There's obviously a prurient and titillating element, but the quality of her writing took her blog well beyond that. Some judges were concerned it was a work of fiction, but even if it is, it remains an impressive piece of writing.
As Bruce Sterling, one of the judges said: "Archly transgressive, anonymous hooker is definitely manipulating the blog medium, word by word, sentence by sentence far more effectively than any of her competitors. It's not merely the titillating striptease aspects that are working for her, but her willingness to use this new form of vanity publishing to throw open a great big global window on activities previously considered unmentionable ... She is in a league by herself as a blogger."
you can take a look at her mighty impressive piece of work at
www.belledejour-uk.blogspot.com
im hooked! ;-)
sometimes you just want to tune out of all the goings-on happening in your puny little life and tune in to others'.
only, it seems everyone else has a more happening life than my own. huh.
take for instance, the blog i am devouring at the moment. the guardian unlimited has this to say about its winning entry for 'best written blog' at the british blog awards :
As Bruce Sterling, one of the judges said: "Archly transgressive, anonymous hooker is definitely manipulating the blog medium, word by word, sentence by sentence far more effectively than any of her competitors. It's not merely the titillating striptease aspects that are working for her, but her willingness to use this new form of vanity publishing to throw open a great big global window on activities previously considered unmentionable ... She is in a league by herself as a blogger."
you can take a look at her mighty impressive piece of work at
im hooked! ;-)
Monday, January 05, 2004
help!
can anyone recommend a free image hosting site that allows you up to 3 megs of storage space?
my villagephotos has copped out on me and now wants me to pay something like 4 US a month for the few measly photos i post up here now and then.
i want to put up some new year pics!!!
help!
my villagephotos has copped out on me and now wants me to pay something like 4 US a month for the few measly photos i post up here now and then.
i want to put up some new year pics!!!
help!
eh?
sometimes these damn blogger banner ads dumbfound me.
spotted on moi banner today:
CATCH CHEATING HUSBAND (!)
Take a revealing infidelity quiz. Guaranteed Results.
AND (!!)
SPY ON CHEATING HUSBAND (!!!)
Is he cheating on you? Find out with Spector, records chats/emails.
WHY WHY WHYYYYY MEEEEEE?
heh.
spotted on moi banner today:
CATCH CHEATING HUSBAND (!)
Take a revealing infidelity quiz. Guaranteed Results.
AND (!!)
SPY ON CHEATING HUSBAND (!!!)
Is he cheating on you? Find out with Spector, records chats/emails.
WHY WHY WHYYYYY MEEEEEE?
heh.
