Friday, May 28, 2004
announcement!
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
a case for confrontation.
MEMBERS OF THE JURY, YOU ARE SEATED HERE TODAY NOT TO PLACE JUDGEMENT, BUT TO HEAR THE FACTS OF A CASE AGAINST THE ACCUSED.
ok, so i didnt mean to disappear (again) on all you people. but hey, what a week. and boy, am i still livid.
NOTE OF CAUTION: IF YOU ARE SHORT ON TIME, LOW ON PATIENCE, AND HAVE NEVER BEEN DISLIKED BEFORE...STOP READING NOW.
you guys are right... no matter how hard you try, some people are never going to like you. in fact, sometimes the harder you try, the more theyll dislike you. it's the good ol' chicken and egg scenario.
nevertheless, much as i am never one for confrontation, having to work closely on a daily basis with someone who hates me gave me the much needed courage to survive a meeting in which everything came out in the open.
this is pretty much what transpired.
FOR THE PROSECUTION:
after my last entry in this dying blog, the weekend came and went with snippets of gossip that more or less gave me an idea why i was in cold storage. put simply, word around the office was that, at the risk of sounding overly dramatic:
a) i had a personal agenda to further my own career at the expense of everyone else's;
b) i was a self-promoting egoist;
c) i was a 'manipulative bitch'
d) i was an ass-kissing employee with designs on bedding the boss.
e) i have no journalistic skill whatsoever.
the said colleague, who pre-determined my character upon a week of knowing me was, surprisingly enough, someone whom i had misguidedly thought on my first week at work i would get along famously with.
her reasons for feeling this way?
THE DEFENSE REPLIES:
in week one over lunch, i had suggested a write-up to promote prima news in the entertainment pages of 'the star'. admittedly, prima news, informative and passionately put-together though it is, is a little known programme you've probably not heard of unless you used to watch bloomberg malaysia. yes folks, prima news is the former bloomberg malaysia. how many people know this? the business news we put together everyday is head and shoulders above anything terrestrial channels can come up with, yet nobody knows it exists!
and so, my suggestion was, if you're going to do a write-up to promote the show, you're going to have to talk about the people in the team, the people who not only front the news but also those who work to get the show on air. i asked them if they were ok with the idea, and if they agreed, i'd get onto it. i got them to mail their biodatas to me, and i set about drafting an email to our public relations dept.
after drafting, i mailed out copies of the proposal to the rest of the team for suggestions and corrections. for the team, i condensed their biodatas into two paragraphs each, creditting each of their achievements as part of the team. as for my own blurb, a two-liner at the very bottom of the page, i had written about 'being the baby of the team', 'wanting to develop a budding interest in business news' and 'learning the ropes from mentor amir'.
no doubt, i am close to amir. he was the only one who gave me the time of day in my first week there and taught me everything i now know about the job. most importantly, he was a patient and friendly ear when i admitted not knowing how to go about certain job functions, and we happened to get along extremely well from there. we regularly lunch together; he tells me his concerns, i tell him mine. we bounce ideas off each other and constructive criticism. in my eyes, it is a healthy and conducive working relationship.
as for my journalistic skills... so im new. give me a break. i cant learn business lingo overnight. i cant tell you what makes one angle a better business story than another just yet. i get jittery too, about asking for help. does plucking up the courage to ask advice make me a lousy journo?
i dont know how things got the way they are now, where my inclusion in the article as a two-liner came across as self-promotion, where my suggestion for an article was part of an elaborate personal agenda, and my referring to amir as my mentor, and no doubt our lunches together, fuelled gossip that i want to further my career by bedding him.
please lah.
i have more faith in my ability as a journalist to make it in this career than to try sleeping with the boss. so we get along. so we're friends outside the office. does this mean we're having an affair?
as for having a personal agenda, i resent that. i believe i understand the concept of team spirit. i also have a sense of integrity. if i wanted an article on me, id arrange a write-up on me. id put me on the first line in a three paragraph blurb with the best photo of me i can find.
and so if i suck big-time now as a financial journalist, at least i know im trying. since when did that give anyone the right to assume that im making up for my lack of business sense by ass-kissing the boss?
please lah.
i will prove it to anyone who doubts my sincerity that i am genuine in my intentions. that i prioritize professionalism. that i put the team above myself. that im giving this my best shot.
THE OUTCOME:
the meeting took an hour, divided into two parts. one for the existing team to thrash it out among themselves, one for me to reply to the criticism.
i said everything i had to say, and not without a sinking heart and lump in throat. but i pulled through despite facing the team as a newcomer (much like that deer-in-headlights analogy i so like using), and despite having to sit across her as she glared coldly at me with her arms crossed intimidatingly in front of her.
i dont know what i had been hoping for as a result, but i had at least gone into the meeting with the wish that things could be sorted out, clarified, and that i might be given a chance to prove my sincerity.
THREE DAYS ON:
she's talking to me now, in one liners and nods, where previously i'd have been lucky to get eye-contact, although i can tell it's not because she wants to. she still ignores my sms-es about work-related stuff and my phonecalls to clarify details about scripting.
i hate to say it, but it looks like she's made up her mind about me and that perception is never going to change. i guess in her books im always going to be an overly made-up tart who gets by not on brains but on looks (and other various 'talents').
kai says you win some, you lose some.
it looks like ive lost this one.
AND WHAT SAY THE JURY?
please be honest with me. i could do with some perspective on this. given, this is my side of the story, but should i feel vindicated knowing ive doen my best? or am i totally missing the point here?
ok, so i didnt mean to disappear (again) on all you people. but hey, what a week. and boy, am i still livid.
NOTE OF CAUTION: IF YOU ARE SHORT ON TIME, LOW ON PATIENCE, AND HAVE NEVER BEEN DISLIKED BEFORE...STOP READING NOW.
you guys are right... no matter how hard you try, some people are never going to like you. in fact, sometimes the harder you try, the more theyll dislike you. it's the good ol' chicken and egg scenario.
nevertheless, much as i am never one for confrontation, having to work closely on a daily basis with someone who hates me gave me the much needed courage to survive a meeting in which everything came out in the open.
this is pretty much what transpired.
FOR THE PROSECUTION:
after my last entry in this dying blog, the weekend came and went with snippets of gossip that more or less gave me an idea why i was in cold storage. put simply, word around the office was that, at the risk of sounding overly dramatic:
a) i had a personal agenda to further my own career at the expense of everyone else's;
b) i was a self-promoting egoist;
c) i was a 'manipulative bitch'
d) i was an ass-kissing employee with designs on bedding the boss.
e) i have no journalistic skill whatsoever.
the said colleague, who pre-determined my character upon a week of knowing me was, surprisingly enough, someone whom i had misguidedly thought on my first week at work i would get along famously with.
her reasons for feeling this way?
THE DEFENSE REPLIES:
in week one over lunch, i had suggested a write-up to promote prima news in the entertainment pages of 'the star'. admittedly, prima news, informative and passionately put-together though it is, is a little known programme you've probably not heard of unless you used to watch bloomberg malaysia. yes folks, prima news is the former bloomberg malaysia. how many people know this? the business news we put together everyday is head and shoulders above anything terrestrial channels can come up with, yet nobody knows it exists!
and so, my suggestion was, if you're going to do a write-up to promote the show, you're going to have to talk about the people in the team, the people who not only front the news but also those who work to get the show on air. i asked them if they were ok with the idea, and if they agreed, i'd get onto it. i got them to mail their biodatas to me, and i set about drafting an email to our public relations dept.
after drafting, i mailed out copies of the proposal to the rest of the team for suggestions and corrections. for the team, i condensed their biodatas into two paragraphs each, creditting each of their achievements as part of the team. as for my own blurb, a two-liner at the very bottom of the page, i had written about 'being the baby of the team', 'wanting to develop a budding interest in business news' and 'learning the ropes from mentor amir'.
no doubt, i am close to amir. he was the only one who gave me the time of day in my first week there and taught me everything i now know about the job. most importantly, he was a patient and friendly ear when i admitted not knowing how to go about certain job functions, and we happened to get along extremely well from there. we regularly lunch together; he tells me his concerns, i tell him mine. we bounce ideas off each other and constructive criticism. in my eyes, it is a healthy and conducive working relationship.
as for my journalistic skills... so im new. give me a break. i cant learn business lingo overnight. i cant tell you what makes one angle a better business story than another just yet. i get jittery too, about asking for help. does plucking up the courage to ask advice make me a lousy journo?
i dont know how things got the way they are now, where my inclusion in the article as a two-liner came across as self-promotion, where my suggestion for an article was part of an elaborate personal agenda, and my referring to amir as my mentor, and no doubt our lunches together, fuelled gossip that i want to further my career by bedding him.
please lah.
i have more faith in my ability as a journalist to make it in this career than to try sleeping with the boss. so we get along. so we're friends outside the office. does this mean we're having an affair?
as for having a personal agenda, i resent that. i believe i understand the concept of team spirit. i also have a sense of integrity. if i wanted an article on me, id arrange a write-up on me. id put me on the first line in a three paragraph blurb with the best photo of me i can find.
and so if i suck big-time now as a financial journalist, at least i know im trying. since when did that give anyone the right to assume that im making up for my lack of business sense by ass-kissing the boss?
please lah.
i will prove it to anyone who doubts my sincerity that i am genuine in my intentions. that i prioritize professionalism. that i put the team above myself. that im giving this my best shot.
THE OUTCOME:
the meeting took an hour, divided into two parts. one for the existing team to thrash it out among themselves, one for me to reply to the criticism.
i said everything i had to say, and not without a sinking heart and lump in throat. but i pulled through despite facing the team as a newcomer (much like that deer-in-headlights analogy i so like using), and despite having to sit across her as she glared coldly at me with her arms crossed intimidatingly in front of her.
i dont know what i had been hoping for as a result, but i had at least gone into the meeting with the wish that things could be sorted out, clarified, and that i might be given a chance to prove my sincerity.
THREE DAYS ON:
she's talking to me now, in one liners and nods, where previously i'd have been lucky to get eye-contact, although i can tell it's not because she wants to. she still ignores my sms-es about work-related stuff and my phonecalls to clarify details about scripting.
i hate to say it, but it looks like she's made up her mind about me and that perception is never going to change. i guess in her books im always going to be an overly made-up tart who gets by not on brains but on looks (and other various 'talents').
kai says you win some, you lose some.
it looks like ive lost this one.
AND WHAT SAY THE JURY?
please be honest with me. i could do with some perspective on this. given, this is my side of the story, but should i feel vindicated knowing ive doen my best? or am i totally missing the point here?
Friday, May 21, 2004
very loud silence.
what do you do when regardless of how hard you've tried, your colleagues just don't like you?
my first week here i was so happy it was hard to keep me from bouncing around enthusiastically and wanting to get involved in everything.
i'd found passion for my work again and walked around everywhere with the warm honeymoon glow that comes from being in a new place with endless possibilities and opportunity. it's kind of like the feeling of being in love again after months and months of tedious loneliness.
three weeks on, something i seem to have done, which for the life of me i cant figure out, has made my colleagues stop talking to me. it began as a little coolness, a half-smile in the morning instead of a hello, and instant silence whenever i entered the room.
it progressed to leaving me out of inside jokes, whispering on the side which stops when i appear, and inviting everyone but me to after-work drinks and weekend shopping trips.
today i didnt even exist. a third party was summoned to give me instructions, eventhough i was in the same room and within hearing distance.
i feel deflated and admittedly, more affected than i'd like to be about it.
it would help if maybe i knew why. i've over-analysed every single thing ive done or said over the past three weeks, and can't put a finger on anything i might have done to spark the animosity. of course, there's always the chance i might be a bit dense and unknowingly offended someone.
i can be annoyingly bouncy, and there have been people who've been kind enough to inform me that i can sometimes be a tad intimidating. some say i'm sombong. some say i'm too nice. suspiciously too-nice.
for the record, let me say once and for all that i'm not nice only when i want something. and i'm not too-nice because i have something up my sleeve. can't i just like everybody and genuinely want to be friendly? is there something wrong with that? i cant help but think there's something terribly wrong with the world if the only nice people are disliked or actually do have ulterior motives.
i tried asking one of them what it was i'd done.
did i offend you? did i say something wrong? what can i do to make it up to you?
it took a lot of courage to ask and i chickened out twice,but ive never been a fan of confrontation.
the answer i got?
i don't like you answering my phone.
is it really possible to dislike someone to the point of ceasing to treat them like human beings with feelings, all because ive picked up your extension, thinking i was doing you a favour?
i dont think you can blame me for guessing there's more im not being told.
so what is it about me? why dont i deserve to know? must i endure this day after day for the rest of my career here, not knowing what it is about me that makes you not want to give me a chance?
those who really know me will have heard me say many times that i'd rather be hurt by the truth than be made happy with a lie.
if you dont like me, tell me to my face and tell me why. we dont have to be friends if you dont want to, but dont torture me by whispering behind my back. have a heart, even if you hate me.
i can assure you, for that you'd have my utmost respect.
my first week here i was so happy it was hard to keep me from bouncing around enthusiastically and wanting to get involved in everything.
i'd found passion for my work again and walked around everywhere with the warm honeymoon glow that comes from being in a new place with endless possibilities and opportunity. it's kind of like the feeling of being in love again after months and months of tedious loneliness.
three weeks on, something i seem to have done, which for the life of me i cant figure out, has made my colleagues stop talking to me. it began as a little coolness, a half-smile in the morning instead of a hello, and instant silence whenever i entered the room.
it progressed to leaving me out of inside jokes, whispering on the side which stops when i appear, and inviting everyone but me to after-work drinks and weekend shopping trips.
today i didnt even exist. a third party was summoned to give me instructions, eventhough i was in the same room and within hearing distance.
i feel deflated and admittedly, more affected than i'd like to be about it.
it would help if maybe i knew why. i've over-analysed every single thing ive done or said over the past three weeks, and can't put a finger on anything i might have done to spark the animosity. of course, there's always the chance i might be a bit dense and unknowingly offended someone.
i can be annoyingly bouncy, and there have been people who've been kind enough to inform me that i can sometimes be a tad intimidating. some say i'm sombong. some say i'm too nice. suspiciously too-nice.
for the record, let me say once and for all that i'm not nice only when i want something. and i'm not too-nice because i have something up my sleeve. can't i just like everybody and genuinely want to be friendly? is there something wrong with that? i cant help but think there's something terribly wrong with the world if the only nice people are disliked or actually do have ulterior motives.
i tried asking one of them what it was i'd done.
did i offend you? did i say something wrong? what can i do to make it up to you?
it took a lot of courage to ask and i chickened out twice,but ive never been a fan of confrontation.
the answer i got?
i don't like you answering my phone.
is it really possible to dislike someone to the point of ceasing to treat them like human beings with feelings, all because ive picked up your extension, thinking i was doing you a favour?
i dont think you can blame me for guessing there's more im not being told.
so what is it about me? why dont i deserve to know? must i endure this day after day for the rest of my career here, not knowing what it is about me that makes you not want to give me a chance?
those who really know me will have heard me say many times that i'd rather be hurt by the truth than be made happy with a lie.
if you dont like me, tell me to my face and tell me why. we dont have to be friends if you dont want to, but dont torture me by whispering behind my back. have a heart, even if you hate me.
i can assure you, for that you'd have my utmost respect.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
errr....salah nombor lah!
found on my visitor counter:
May 11 19:46:21 2004
http://www.google.com/search?q=eligible arab bachelors
hello! how the hell would i know?! ;)
May 11 19:46:21 2004
http://www.google.com/search?q=eligible arab bachelors
hello! how the hell would i know?! ;)
Saturday, May 15, 2004
happy birthday ash!
we celebrated ash's 26th birthday today, and for the first time i met meesh, pickyin, najah, t-boy, hani, johan and fish.
the boy looks good i tell you. he seemed genuinely happy, and when he stood up to thank everyone for celebrating his first birthday in 19 years, you could tell this was a fellow who had been there, done that, and still, despite everything, made it.
ash, you inspire us with your tales and heart and wisdom. happy 26th and may you continue to have strength in all that you do.
the boy looks good i tell you. he seemed genuinely happy, and when he stood up to thank everyone for celebrating his first birthday in 19 years, you could tell this was a fellow who had been there, done that, and still, despite everything, made it.
ash, you inspire us with your tales and heart and wisdom. happy 26th and may you continue to have strength in all that you do.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
r.i.p
i think my blog has died.
i never seem to want to write about anything that's happening in my life lately, i cant be bothered to give an opinion (though i have many) and im so busy these days that by the time i get home (late) everything i might have wanted to blog about becomes a non-issue.
not that nothing's been happening. on the contrary, life as i know it is beginning to sound (and look) like a soap opera/spanish drama. except there's no evil mother in law plotting my horrible death and i a) am not disgustingly rich b) don't speak spanish c) have a failed business venture d)nor do i particularly fancy sleeping with your brother's best friend's girl friend's father.
still, that doesnt mean i feel like blogging about it. bah. humbug.
i never seem to want to write about anything that's happening in my life lately, i cant be bothered to give an opinion (though i have many) and im so busy these days that by the time i get home (late) everything i might have wanted to blog about becomes a non-issue.
not that nothing's been happening. on the contrary, life as i know it is beginning to sound (and look) like a soap opera/spanish drama. except there's no evil mother in law plotting my horrible death and i a) am not disgustingly rich b) don't speak spanish c) have a failed business venture d)nor do i particularly fancy sleeping with your brother's best friend's girl friend's father.
still, that doesnt mean i feel like blogging about it. bah. humbug.
Monday, May 10, 2004
*weewooweewoo* birthday alert!
:)
i would like to take this opportunity to wish my very talented nipple-pulling friend, burpist (i.e one who can burp at will), fartist (i.e and fart as well) and cunnilinguist (i.e literary genius with the extraordinary ability to turn cussing into fine art)...
TEO JIN YAO
...a very happy birthday.
may you marry the finest girl with the perkiest butt (i.e. chern) and have many babies and go on to rescuscitate many an old man and woman unlucky enough to have suffered breathing problems/fainting spells/heart attacks while indulging in vigorous activity yet lucky enough to have you as their doctor ;)
i would like to take this opportunity to wish my very talented nipple-pulling friend, burpist (i.e one who can burp at will), fartist (i.e and fart as well) and cunnilinguist (i.e literary genius with the extraordinary ability to turn cussing into fine art)...
...a very happy birthday.
may you marry the finest girl with the perkiest butt (i.e. chern) and have many babies and go on to rescuscitate many an old man and woman unlucky enough to have suffered breathing problems/fainting spells/heart attacks while indulging in vigorous activity yet lucky enough to have you as their doctor ;)
Friday, May 07, 2004
the week(end) that was and other random observations.
i think i no longer have what qualifies as a life in the social context of the word.
since going into financial journalism, i now know that real work begins only after 5 when markets close...and if you ever thought business news meant business hours, you've been horribly misled.
still, having weekends and public holidays off for once is refreshing. being at ntv7 for two years somehow programmed my brain into believing public holidays are for everyone but me, so much so that finally being able to spend time with people on days they are ALSO on holiday is kinda hard to get used to.
nevertheless, this doesnt mean i had a relaxed long weekend. quite possibly the worst 'holiday' of my life, i very nearly made myself single, grappled with the prospect of a broken home, and discovered you can never ever run dry of tears.
there is one thing though that came out of this entire mess that was my labour day, wesak day and prophet muhammad's birthday. despite having to go through what normally plagues some of my worst nightmares, i made it through another week knowing im still loved and that it takes a lot more than this to break my spirit.
god have mercy on me, and not let it get much worse than this.
amen.
since going into financial journalism, i now know that real work begins only after 5 when markets close...and if you ever thought business news meant business hours, you've been horribly misled.
still, having weekends and public holidays off for once is refreshing. being at ntv7 for two years somehow programmed my brain into believing public holidays are for everyone but me, so much so that finally being able to spend time with people on days they are ALSO on holiday is kinda hard to get used to.
nevertheless, this doesnt mean i had a relaxed long weekend. quite possibly the worst 'holiday' of my life, i very nearly made myself single, grappled with the prospect of a broken home, and discovered you can never ever run dry of tears.
there is one thing though that came out of this entire mess that was my labour day, wesak day and prophet muhammad's birthday. despite having to go through what normally plagues some of my worst nightmares, i made it through another week knowing im still loved and that it takes a lot more than this to break my spirit.
god have mercy on me, and not let it get much worse than this.
amen.
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
staying friends with the ex.
...is not easy.
in fact, it's tough as hell. and it's amazing that after all this time, and incredible difficulty, i'm still adamant about trying.
so he and i didn't end on a sweet note. it was, to be honest, quite ugly. terrible, regretful words were exchanged. at the time, any inkling that a friendship would ensue was frankly, unbelievable.
for a month after, there was only silence. and tears, many. too many. bitterness tinged every memory; whatever sweet memories we had were remembered with anger and doubt and deep distrust. i wanted never to see him again.
but time makes fools of us, and we forget. the most bitter of memories and the sharpest of pain are dulled by the ticking second hand. slowly, you move on. after the first month, i braved myself for contact. why? for friendship's sake? at the time, it was difficult to say what my motives were. i didn't want him back, neither was i ready to let him go. selfish? maybe. confused? extremely. the foolish heart ruled the head and i was none the wiser.
obviously, it was a mistake. a month on, wounds will always still be raw. tell yourself that just because the tears have stopped the pain has too...you'd only be a fool to believe it. the pain doesn't stop; you've only grown numb to it.
so another month went by, and another. three months on, and the bitterness began to fade. love died. concern and guilt took over. a combination of both and perhaps a little curiosity urged me to call and say hi, how are you.
response? encouraging. how about lunch? sounds good. mistake #2. he sounds fine over the phone, but don't you believe it. the minute he saw me, and i him, anger washed over. flashbacks of the last time i saw him, pleading, helpless but so so guilty, mixed with my own cold, vivid memories of shock, nausea and betrayal.
uncomfortable silence over the table and two cups of chinese tea could not disguise the rage in my eyes, and the defiance in his. when words were finally exchanged, the rage and defiance spilled over and blame became the main dish.
a year later, i'd like to say all this has changed. i'd like to be living proof that friendship with an ex after a seven year relationship can be achieved, nurtured and matured like a fine aged wine. after all, aren't we all civil educated adults?
sadly, it's so much easier said than done. we enjoy a month or so of friendly banter, old jokes and teh tarik, and suddenly, somehow the fragile camarederie shatters. i will say or do something that unwittingly brings back some memory for him, and it will hurt him, and he will in turn, hurt me. out of the blue, he will attack me for the perceived injustice i have put him through.
some people tell me it's not worth my time and effort. yet, i continue to try. to me, maintaining a friendship is showing him i appreciate and will always treasure the good times we shared, the moments of kindness, the many years between us. it upsets me a great deal that he often fails to see it that way. sometimes i wonder if he accepts my friendship and then throws it back in my face as a way of exacting revenge on me. other times, i genuinely believe that he too wants us to stay friends.
for me, at least, my conscience is clear. my intentions are sincere. ive forgiven, forgotten, lived and let live. i want peace. more than that, i want him to forgive me.
looking back on all ive written, one thing has become clear. staying friends with the ex can quite possibly be done. it is most certainly achievable. there's only one thing ive failed to realise up until now, in this idealistic quest for ex-friendshipdom.
it can be done insofar as both parties have moved on. my failure is in believing that just because i have moved on, he has too. i should have sensed this earlier. the way we cant talk about certain things. how the new boyfriend is still on the list of taboos-you-avoid-discussing. how certain things i do still make him snappy. or how, after all this time, he still remembers what my favourite drink is.
how will i ever know when the time is ripe for friendship? i suppose all i can do is keep trying. or perhaps, this really IS a fruitlessly idealistic notion that can never be attained.
in fact, it's tough as hell. and it's amazing that after all this time, and incredible difficulty, i'm still adamant about trying.
so he and i didn't end on a sweet note. it was, to be honest, quite ugly. terrible, regretful words were exchanged. at the time, any inkling that a friendship would ensue was frankly, unbelievable.
for a month after, there was only silence. and tears, many. too many. bitterness tinged every memory; whatever sweet memories we had were remembered with anger and doubt and deep distrust. i wanted never to see him again.
but time makes fools of us, and we forget. the most bitter of memories and the sharpest of pain are dulled by the ticking second hand. slowly, you move on. after the first month, i braved myself for contact. why? for friendship's sake? at the time, it was difficult to say what my motives were. i didn't want him back, neither was i ready to let him go. selfish? maybe. confused? extremely. the foolish heart ruled the head and i was none the wiser.
obviously, it was a mistake. a month on, wounds will always still be raw. tell yourself that just because the tears have stopped the pain has too...you'd only be a fool to believe it. the pain doesn't stop; you've only grown numb to it.
so another month went by, and another. three months on, and the bitterness began to fade. love died. concern and guilt took over. a combination of both and perhaps a little curiosity urged me to call and say hi, how are you.
response? encouraging. how about lunch? sounds good. mistake #2. he sounds fine over the phone, but don't you believe it. the minute he saw me, and i him, anger washed over. flashbacks of the last time i saw him, pleading, helpless but so so guilty, mixed with my own cold, vivid memories of shock, nausea and betrayal.
uncomfortable silence over the table and two cups of chinese tea could not disguise the rage in my eyes, and the defiance in his. when words were finally exchanged, the rage and defiance spilled over and blame became the main dish.
a year later, i'd like to say all this has changed. i'd like to be living proof that friendship with an ex after a seven year relationship can be achieved, nurtured and matured like a fine aged wine. after all, aren't we all civil educated adults?
sadly, it's so much easier said than done. we enjoy a month or so of friendly banter, old jokes and teh tarik, and suddenly, somehow the fragile camarederie shatters. i will say or do something that unwittingly brings back some memory for him, and it will hurt him, and he will in turn, hurt me. out of the blue, he will attack me for the perceived injustice i have put him through.
some people tell me it's not worth my time and effort. yet, i continue to try. to me, maintaining a friendship is showing him i appreciate and will always treasure the good times we shared, the moments of kindness, the many years between us. it upsets me a great deal that he often fails to see it that way. sometimes i wonder if he accepts my friendship and then throws it back in my face as a way of exacting revenge on me. other times, i genuinely believe that he too wants us to stay friends.
for me, at least, my conscience is clear. my intentions are sincere. ive forgiven, forgotten, lived and let live. i want peace. more than that, i want him to forgive me.
looking back on all ive written, one thing has become clear. staying friends with the ex can quite possibly be done. it is most certainly achievable. there's only one thing ive failed to realise up until now, in this idealistic quest for ex-friendshipdom.
it can be done insofar as both parties have moved on. my failure is in believing that just because i have moved on, he has too. i should have sensed this earlier. the way we cant talk about certain things. how the new boyfriend is still on the list of taboos-you-avoid-discussing. how certain things i do still make him snappy. or how, after all this time, he still remembers what my favourite drink is.
how will i ever know when the time is ripe for friendship? i suppose all i can do is keep trying. or perhaps, this really IS a fruitlessly idealistic notion that can never be attained.
