Saturday, July 31, 2004
like an empty vase, once filled with flowers.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
smooth-talking politicians.
some four months ago, as yours truly wrapped up her final week of drudgery at your feel-good station, she received the first of what were to be many sms-es in the same dubious vein.
gudmornin. wen u read tis msg- remember im tinkin of u. have a sweet day.
the number it came from was cool; the last four digits were 2020, but i didnt know anyone with a number like that, so i ignored it.
a few days later, a new message:
hi there. send any sms or call me & win exciting prizes. first prize: lots of love. second prize: life time friendship. third prize: free stay in my heart.gudnite.
clearly a forwarded message. possibly, wrongly directed to me. so again, i ignored it.
two days on, another:
even if i didnt see u often, even if we have less talks, less hellos, less stories, and less greetings... always remember that my care for you will never be less. gudmorning.
and ANOTHER:
softly the leaves of memory fall, slowly i gather and pick them all,coz 2day, 2morrow and til this life is thru,ill always cherish knowing a person like u... gudnite.
by this time, i was cracking my head wondering if indeed i knew this person but simply didnt remember the number. if i knew him, why was he sending me these badly spelt 'gudmorning' and 'gudnite' messages too early in the morning, and too late into the night to be polite? could it really be a stranger who'd gotten the recipient's number wrong, erroneously sending them to me? or was it just some gatal stalker guy bugging my life?
a day later, wearing an all-white ensemble to work, i got my answer.
you look good in white.
this guy knew me. worse, he'd seen me the same day, and i had no idea WHICH among the hundreds of people i'd shaken hands with that day was HIM.
in all honesty, i freaked out.
i called the number from my mobile.
it rang... and rang... and rang. no answer.
i called from an anonymous number. again. no answer.
i got a friend to call from his mobile. no such luck.
in spooked desperation, i left an sms:
who is this.
surprise surprise. no reply.
i was being deluged by anonymous sms-es from someone who knew me, could spot me in a crowd, who knew my mobile number and wouldn't own up.
his sms-es continued on for another four months, which i read, ignored and deleted in frustration.
until one day, upon receiving this sms...
blue be the sky above you. soft be the road below you, love be the breeze around you,i pray all the happiness surround you. sleep well, sleep tite, sweet dreams, gudnite.
...and kai suggested i try replying just once more, but with a little bit more firmness.
so i did:
who are you? i dont know who you are. please stop disturbing me.
the whole day, nothing. silence. could it finally be over?
waking up the next morning, and checking my phone... lo and behold, the reply... and the identity... that would finally solve my months-long mystery:
gudmorning. im sory about d msgs if they were disturbing u- thot would recognize my number~ remember! we exchanged ours after a press conference. please accept my apology. regards, XXXXX
seeing his name at the end of the sms gave me the biggest shock, and for reasons you will discover, i cannot reveal his identity here.
the mysterious man behind the hundreds of badly spelt sms-es, crudely chosen forwards and smooth saccharine words was a minister in malaysia's distinguished cabinet.
needless to say, i will never be able to take this man seriously again.
the number it came from was cool; the last four digits were 2020, but i didnt know anyone with a number like that, so i ignored it.
a few days later, a new message:
clearly a forwarded message. possibly, wrongly directed to me. so again, i ignored it.
two days on, another:
and ANOTHER:
by this time, i was cracking my head wondering if indeed i knew this person but simply didnt remember the number. if i knew him, why was he sending me these badly spelt 'gudmorning' and 'gudnite' messages too early in the morning, and too late into the night to be polite? could it really be a stranger who'd gotten the recipient's number wrong, erroneously sending them to me? or was it just some gatal stalker guy bugging my life?
a day later, wearing an all-white ensemble to work, i got my answer.
this guy knew me. worse, he'd seen me the same day, and i had no idea WHICH among the hundreds of people i'd shaken hands with that day was HIM.
in all honesty, i freaked out.
i called the number from my mobile.
it rang... and rang... and rang. no answer.
i called from an anonymous number. again. no answer.
i got a friend to call from his mobile. no such luck.
in spooked desperation, i left an sms:
surprise surprise. no reply.
i was being deluged by anonymous sms-es from someone who knew me, could spot me in a crowd, who knew my mobile number and wouldn't own up.
his sms-es continued on for another four months, which i read, ignored and deleted in frustration.
until one day, upon receiving this sms...
...and kai suggested i try replying just once more, but with a little bit more firmness.
so i did:
the whole day, nothing. silence. could it finally be over?
waking up the next morning, and checking my phone... lo and behold, the reply... and the identity... that would finally solve my months-long mystery:
seeing his name at the end of the sms gave me the biggest shock, and for reasons you will discover, i cannot reveal his identity here.
the mysterious man behind the hundreds of badly spelt sms-es, crudely chosen forwards and smooth saccharine words was a minister in malaysia's distinguished cabinet.
needless to say, i will never be able to take this man seriously again.
back from the dead. well, briefly.
too long a hiatus, yes. i agree.
but here i am, making my thoughts public once more... if, that is, i still have any readers! ;)
there is something about making private thoughts public. some should stay private, but this is difficult when you're torn between deciding what you want people to know and when you need people to listen.
most of the time, i just need someone to listen to these private thoughts of mine. im not a person who shares very much in person. but for some reason, i share so much of myself in this very public space.
maybe because if i continue to bottle up all these depressing thoughts, conflicting emotions and multitude of fears, i'll pop like a champagne bottle.
and so, much as i realise there is a downside to personal revelations on the world wide web, i guess i can't live without the reassurance that im not alone, and that there will always be someone who can relate.
thanks for staying with me.
but here i am, making my thoughts public once more... if, that is, i still have any readers! ;)
there is something about making private thoughts public. some should stay private, but this is difficult when you're torn between deciding what you want people to know and when you need people to listen.
most of the time, i just need someone to listen to these private thoughts of mine. im not a person who shares very much in person. but for some reason, i share so much of myself in this very public space.
maybe because if i continue to bottle up all these depressing thoughts, conflicting emotions and multitude of fears, i'll pop like a champagne bottle.
and so, much as i realise there is a downside to personal revelations on the world wide web, i guess i can't live without the reassurance that im not alone, and that there will always be someone who can relate.
thanks for staying with me.
Thursday, July 08, 2004
malaysian market report
since my last entry, my love life's reminded me vaguely of the stockmarket.
blame it on this constant exposure to business news and having to write KLCI summaries on a daily basis, but really...
trading stagnated for a couple of days, then took a downturn, sliding southbound for 48 hours before flatlining again just above the previous close.
uncertain conditions in the domestic economy kept investors jittery for a day or so, but as economic growth picks up, investor confidence seems to be returning.
at present, the market's on a steady uptrend, trading at a two month high and looking good.
market conditions in the day ahead are unclear, but analysts believe strong fundamentals in blue chip stocks and growing investor confidence coupled with a better economic outlook could take trading above the psychological 900 mark.
:)
im off to penang for a long weekend, and hopefully, good returns on several risky but very worthwhile investments ;)
blame it on this constant exposure to business news and having to write KLCI summaries on a daily basis, but really...
trading stagnated for a couple of days, then took a downturn, sliding southbound for 48 hours before flatlining again just above the previous close.
uncertain conditions in the domestic economy kept investors jittery for a day or so, but as economic growth picks up, investor confidence seems to be returning.
at present, the market's on a steady uptrend, trading at a two month high and looking good.
market conditions in the day ahead are unclear, but analysts believe strong fundamentals in blue chip stocks and growing investor confidence coupled with a better economic outlook could take trading above the psychological 900 mark.
:)
im off to penang for a long weekend, and hopefully, good returns on several risky but very worthwhile investments ;)
Thursday, July 01, 2004
questioning love.
ive been grappling with a problem for the past year.
it's always bugged me but i'd always thought it manageable until lately.
now it's a serious issue because it's been affecting my relationship and i'm finding it increasingly difficult to deal with.
you might not believe it, but the truth is, i can't accept that i can be loved.
ive questioned kai's love in too many ways since he first professed his feelings for me in may last year.
i know it's unfair on him, especially since he's been such a wonderful, caring partner.
he puts so much effort into demonstrating his feelings; he's thouhgtful, gentle and always full of surprises.
he's sacrificed so much of his heart to love me, and yet, one year down the road, im kept awake at night thinking he's falling out of love with me, that there's someone else, that he'll eventually leave me, that he's only staying because he doesn't want to hurt me, that...that...that...
too many questions. too few reasons to be loved. too much fear.
it took me three months to finally say 'yes' to him, despite being deeply in love with him.
the only reason i held off for as long as i did was because i was absolutely petrified of being in another relationship.
i think human beings have only enough capacity to be hurt too badly twice.
to be hurt three times or more must mean you're a sucker for punishment or that you're just too bloody naive.
me? i must be just plain stupid.
ive allowed my heart to be broken, oh, too too many times.
everytime i said i'd never fall in love again, i did, and my heart broke.
the last time my heart broke, i told myself i'd never love anyone enough again.
it's scary to place your heart in the hands of another when there's never a guarantee it will be safe there.
even marriage isn't a guarantee.
why do people even bother falling in love in the first place?
when i said 'yes' to kai, i said it with the realization that to lose him in any way would be far more painful to me than a broken heart.
when you come to that kind of realization, you know if you don't take that risk, no matter how scary it is, you'll regret not taking it for the rest of your life.
now that ive taken that risk, i know he's been worth every second, every minute, every damn sleepless hour of doubt and fear.
except...
except now... this doubt and fear, my questions(do you love me? where were you last night? why was your phone off? is there someone else? do you love me, really really love me?), my insecurity, my jealousy... i sense it's taking a toll on him.
even the most patient loving man in the world would probably tire of my nonsense.
the worst thing is that ive tried so hard to believe. i want to trust again and i want to feel that uninhibited joy that comes from knowing without a shred of doubt that i'm loved.
i want so badly to feel that again.
but everytime we fight over this, and he reassures me (again), and im reassured for maybe, all of an hour, i go to bed and am once again kept awake with a hollow pit in my stomach and the fear that it can't be true.
i have random moments of nausea and dizziness... where i need to run to the loo just to breathe and clear my mind.
"think straight...think straight...think straight."
but when it gets too overwhelming, these nasty taunting thoughts, the questions start again, and it's a never ending cycle of questions, reassurance, doubt, questions... all over again.
one year of this. i think im going mad. i fear someday i could really lose him to this sickness.
what should i do? how can i get better? how can i show this man the love and trust he deserves?
does anyone have any thoughts on this?
it's always bugged me but i'd always thought it manageable until lately.
now it's a serious issue because it's been affecting my relationship and i'm finding it increasingly difficult to deal with.
you might not believe it, but the truth is, i can't accept that i can be loved.
ive questioned kai's love in too many ways since he first professed his feelings for me in may last year.
i know it's unfair on him, especially since he's been such a wonderful, caring partner.
he puts so much effort into demonstrating his feelings; he's thouhgtful, gentle and always full of surprises.
he's sacrificed so much of his heart to love me, and yet, one year down the road, im kept awake at night thinking he's falling out of love with me, that there's someone else, that he'll eventually leave me, that he's only staying because he doesn't want to hurt me, that...that...that...
too many questions. too few reasons to be loved. too much fear.
it took me three months to finally say 'yes' to him, despite being deeply in love with him.
the only reason i held off for as long as i did was because i was absolutely petrified of being in another relationship.
i think human beings have only enough capacity to be hurt too badly twice.
to be hurt three times or more must mean you're a sucker for punishment or that you're just too bloody naive.
me? i must be just plain stupid.
ive allowed my heart to be broken, oh, too too many times.
everytime i said i'd never fall in love again, i did, and my heart broke.
the last time my heart broke, i told myself i'd never love anyone enough again.
it's scary to place your heart in the hands of another when there's never a guarantee it will be safe there.
even marriage isn't a guarantee.
why do people even bother falling in love in the first place?
when i said 'yes' to kai, i said it with the realization that to lose him in any way would be far more painful to me than a broken heart.
when you come to that kind of realization, you know if you don't take that risk, no matter how scary it is, you'll regret not taking it for the rest of your life.
now that ive taken that risk, i know he's been worth every second, every minute, every damn sleepless hour of doubt and fear.
except...
except now... this doubt and fear, my questions(do you love me? where were you last night? why was your phone off? is there someone else? do you love me, really really love me?), my insecurity, my jealousy... i sense it's taking a toll on him.
even the most patient loving man in the world would probably tire of my nonsense.
the worst thing is that ive tried so hard to believe. i want to trust again and i want to feel that uninhibited joy that comes from knowing without a shred of doubt that i'm loved.
i want so badly to feel that again.
but everytime we fight over this, and he reassures me (again), and im reassured for maybe, all of an hour, i go to bed and am once again kept awake with a hollow pit in my stomach and the fear that it can't be true.
i have random moments of nausea and dizziness... where i need to run to the loo just to breathe and clear my mind.
"think straight...think straight...think straight."
but when it gets too overwhelming, these nasty taunting thoughts, the questions start again, and it's a never ending cycle of questions, reassurance, doubt, questions... all over again.
one year of this. i think im going mad. i fear someday i could really lose him to this sickness.
what should i do? how can i get better? how can i show this man the love and trust he deserves?
does anyone have any thoughts on this?
